11 Common Sense Professional Phrases People Only Resent When Said By A Smart, Competent Woman
SFIO CRACHO | Shutterstock As much as the world has changed and women are succeeding at work more than ever, it's often the smart, competent women who suffer the greatest backlash from colleagues, and not just from men. Too often, the clear and assertive phrases women use as leaders are seen as bossy or controlling. When said by men, of course, they're seen as rational and authoritative.
Once we understand how this implicit bias at work operates, we can recognize them when they come up in the workplace. As a result, we can be more productive and more intentional about uplifting and empowering women in a truly equitable way.
11 common sense professional phrases people only resent when said by a smart, competent woman
1. 'I'm the most qualified person for this leadership position'
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When a person is confident, they know they have the skills and experience to do the job the right way, the first time. When a man says a phrase like "I'm the most qualified for this job," it reads as confident. When a woman says it, she sounds entitled or stuck-up. Meanwhile, they likely have the exact same qualifications.
According to philanthropist and executive Sheryl Sandberg, highly intelligent women have to adopt more agreeable phrasing and an inauthentic sense of modesty to appease the people they're working with. This isn't because they find it true to who they are, instead, they rework their language in a way that other people at work will be less judgmental of. This would be no big deal, except men aren't expected to do the same.
Rather than saying "Please have this done by Tuesday" or "Please rewrite this section have it back to me today" women at work find they need to rephrase like, "I would like this done by Tuesday, if possible. Does that work for you?" or "Do you think you could rewrite this section?"
This may sound polite, but it's also unclear. This type of phrasing makes a woman look less authoritative, leaving enough ambiguity that the person she's giving instructions to may not know how serious a deadline is. They may hear "Do you think you could...?" and not understand that this is an assignment, not a request.
This murky language leads to productivity issues and inefficiencies that reflect poorly on her leadership. Sadly, she may feel stuck because, if she spoke like a man in a leadership position, people might resent her in ways they never would with a male leader.
2. 'No'
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"No" is a full sentence, but when smart, competent women say it at work, it's often considered rude. For men, it's considered perfectly professional. Still, women are pressured to avoid clearly saying "no" because it makes them into more palatable leaders, especially to men they oversee or collaborate with.
According to experts from the Connolly Counseling Center, this pressure can look different depending on the situation, but often turns into people-pleasing. While men are allowed to, and often empowered to say "no," women at work are deemed difficult or rude.
It's a double standard that's still present in the workplace, making it even difficult for women to excel, even when they're the most qualified leader.
3. 'I deserve more money'
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Research on salary negotiations and compensation in the workplace, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, suggests that women are much less likely to negotiate their pay with a potential employer than men.
Despite the fact that women are in professional and managerial positions more than ever, gender pay gaps are still keeping women from excelling financially to the same degree as men in the same positions. But it's not their tolerance of this phenomenon that keeps smart, competent women from getting raises, it's what happens when they ask for more money.
Of course, having the confidence to advocate for themselves and negotiate salaries is a trait good leaders already have. It's the response from leadership, especially baby boomer and older Gen Z bosses, that causes the problem. Women should be able to ask for more money the same way a man does.
4. 'Let's take a step back'
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Despite research that suggests that women leaders make work better for everyone, many people (especially insecure men) feel threatened and intimidated when they are assertive and competent. This can be even more pronounced when women ask colleagues to slow down and look at the big picture in a situation.
When competent women use phrases like "let's take a step back" or "let's slow down here" many of their subordinates become frustrated. For most men, pushing on when things become challenging is their default. They are often discomfort slowing down and looking at the big picture, and will snap at anyone who tells them to.
Taking a step back an help people see problems more objectively, but too many people think women are trying to slow them down when this request is made by female leadership.
5. 'I'm here if you need help'
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Many people, especially men, hold a misguided opinion that asking for help is a sign of weakness or subordination. With that in mind, it's not surprising that this phrase (when especially coming from a female peer or leader at work) can encourage people to misguidedly label them as rude.
Despite research like a study published in Management Science, people who ask for help are actually perceived to be more competent and intelligent than those who don't, women are consistently demonized for offering a helping hand or even giving advice at work in the face of insecure or defensive peers.
When men feel emasculated by competent women, it speaks to who they are, not the women's behavior. Sadly, not all workplaces have caught up to this realization.
6. 'I don't have time for this right now'
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On a subconscious level, most men (and many other women) feel entitled to women's time and energy. In order to succeed and climb any professional ladders, they have to be able to set limits and protect their time.
Unfortunately, there's a specific kind of colleague at work that tends to inappropriately characterize competent professional women as difficult and rude. Taking on a very similar demeanor in their personal relationships, the "hurt man" who believes he's owed something by others can wreak havoc on women at work and out in the world.
7. 'I hear you, but I disagree'
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On a very basic level, ensuring that people feel heard in the workplace is incredibly important, which is why competent professional women use phrases like this to both speak their mind and acknowledge effort from others in conversations. However, like a study conducted by Stanford University researchers argues, this same phrase can be perceived differently depending on who says it.
When men interrupt, like one might when they need to disagree, it's perceived as respectfully setting boundaries. They're often deemed confident, assertive, and even passionate, while women are labeled as difficult or arrogant. Often this take will be weaponized and turned into, "She's too aggressive."
8. 'I don't feel comfortable with that'
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A study published in Informatics in Medicine Unlocked found that people who set boundaries in the workplace are better equipped to handle the burnout associated with a poor work-life balance.
However, many women are at a disadvantage compared to their male colleagues who are celebrated for setting boundaries. Often, because of all the double-standards and biases mentioned throughout this list, they're encouraged to make up for them by overworking themselves.
Sadly, this discourages women from saying, "I don't feel comfortable with that" when someone is imposing more work or unreasonable hours. While a man could say it and be respected, a perfectly competent woman might be seen as frail or too sensitive.
9. 'Here are my expectations around this'
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When women use a phrase like "let me set my expectations," they're often immediately deemed rude or pushy. This is due to generations of people being told that women should be easy-going and appeasing by nature.
Even when we don't realize we've inherited a bias, it can easily influence our thoughts and behaviors. That's why even people who say they're in favor of gender equality can fall prey to this.
Ironically enough, it's this kind of clear communication that workers in workplaces (and relationships, to be honest), but only male leaders are celebrating in actually leveraging its benefits. Expressing intentions and setting expectations at work is essential for everyone's success, so why are we still condemning women for doing so?
10. 'That's not acceptable behavior'
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Similar to the boundaries women are ridiculed for setting around work-life balance, when smart, competent women set boundaries around other people's behavior at work, people get angry. Why? Because the double standard rages strong when it comes to telling people what to do.
This holds doubly true when a competent woman uses this phrase towards male employees. Too often, when they have a woman manager or team leader, someone admonishing them comes across as controlling and shrill. If a fellow man said it, they might feel ashamed, but they would likely learn from it and grow instead of displacing blame.
11. 'I have this under control'
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Many intelligent women have the ability to achieve their work goals without help from men, despite being taught from a young age that they're expected to appease and seek out external validation from others. By using a phrase like this in the workplace, it often takes a great deal of strength. After all, it's breaking with a tradition that says women can't succeed without men.
This creates a real double-bind, as gaining respect means taking charge and proving to skeptical people that they're capable of handling their responsibilities. Asking for help can be beneficial and important, but in this context, many professional women feel like they can never make the right choice.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
