Great Parents Who Stay Close To Their Sons As They Grow Up Usually Avoid These 7 Mistakes, Experts Say
Georgijevic | CanvaRecently, I had a conversation with a single mother in her late 50s who has three sons. “I can’t imagine raising three boys,” I said. “That must’ve been so difficult.”
“Oh, no. I’d so much rather boys than girls. Boys are much easier to raise.”
Yet I know her sons personally. Two out of the three never grew up. They’ve been arrested, sued, and fired from ample jobs. They have multiple children between them, whom they infrequently or never see. One struggles with alcoholism and violent outbursts, and the other never left home.
To put it bluntly, they act like overgrown children. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not singlehandedly blaming this mother. She raised her sons as best she could by herself, while working multiple jobs, with her own history of trauma. Their fathers (one an abusive alcoholic and the other who disappeared when his son was born) didn’t do them any favors.
But as a culture, we clearly still have a “set-it-and-forget-it” mentality when it comes to raising sons. While girls require emotional effort, domestic discipline, and constant correction, boys apparently just … raise themselves.
Obviously, that’s not working for us anymore. Men perpetrate 90% of homicides and 97% of assaults. They’re significantly more likely to struggle with addiction, aggression, suicidal ideation, unemployment, and social isolation.
Statistically, men are falling behind. In the 52 years since women could open their own bank accounts, we now have more degrees, own more houses, and live longer, healthier lives than men. Women also outperform men in intelligence, competitiveness, money management, and literacy.
All of this has culminated in something called “the male loneliness epidemic.” More women than ever before feel that a man is more of a liability than an asset, so they’re choosing to remain single.
So what should parents do to prevent their sons from becoming a statistic? According to experts, it’s more about what they shouldn’t do. I reached out to a licensed marriage and family therapist and a child psychotherapist turned parenting coach. Based on their advice, these are the biggest mistakes you can make when raising boys.
Parents who raise good sons avoid making these mistakes:
1. Shaming boys for their vulnerability
Kateryna Hliznitsova / Unsplash
Our culture still acts like vulnerability is a weakness, but studies show that recognizing and accepting your emotions is the strongest and most psychologically healing thing you can do, regardless of your gender.
“When boys are shamed for vulnerability, they learn to hide it better,” said Dr. Anna Elton, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and author of The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection. “Many grow up hearing phrases like ‘man up,’ ‘boys don’t cry,’ or ‘be tough,’ so instead of learning emotional language, they learn emotional restriction.”
As a result, men often end up with two coping strategies: anger or avoidance. When left unchecked, these maladaptive coping mechanisms interfere with self-regulation, communication, and emotional intimacy. They also increase the likelihood of addiction, violence, crime, loneliness, and suicidal ideation.
“Emotional literacy is a developmental skill,” Dr. Elton said. “A boy who can say ‘I feel embarrassed’ or ‘I feel left out’ is less likely to need aggression or cruelty to manage those feelings.”
2. Letting influencers raise your sons
“The most common mistake I see is a laissez-faire mentality in which parents outsource their children’s development, just as we outsource groceries,” said Nicole Runyon, LMSW, a psychotherapist, author, and parent coach. “Because kids spend so much time online, the ‘influencers’ are raising them.”
I’ve written about the Manosphere ad nauseam, but if you’re not familiar, it’s an online community of blogs, forums, websites, and videos in which insecure men teach confused boys about “what it means to be a man.” Common beliefs in the Manosphere include:
- Men are biologically superior to women
- Women only want men who are rich, muscular, and powerful
- Men are entitled to women’s bodies, affection, time, and energy
- Women shouldn’t work, lead, or vote; instead, they should cook, clean, and birth babies
- Men should have multiple girlfriends, while women should remain monogamous
TikTok and YouTube algorithms show boys this content within 23 minutes of their first use. According to Runyon, boys are more likely to fall victim to these beliefs when they lack connection, self-esteem, and value systems: “The Manosphere is appealing to young boys because they haven’t had the opportunity to succeed at something. Boys then see themselves as superior to girls to feed their ego.”
But when parents take back the job of raising their sons, teaching them about relationships, responsibilities, confidence, and healthy masculinity, they fill that void before influencers can.
3. Shielding boys from discomfort and failure
Now more than ever before, modern parents try to shield their children from all forms of discomfort — but you’re not doing your kids any favors when you absorb all their pain, inconveniences, and failures.
Instead, you’re robbing them of their resilience. Scientific studies show that compared to girls, boys are more likely to have language delays, trouble focusing and managing tasks, and difficulty with emotional regulation. This may lead parents to overcompensate, coddling their sons more than their daughters.
Suddenly, “parents see that their boys are apathetic, purposeless, and aren’t finding meaning in the world,” so they “lower their expectations,” said Runyon. But boys need the opposite: “High love and high expectations from parents scaffold a child’s emotional growth.”
According to Runyon, holding your sons accountable for their mistakes and expecting them to do hard things (even when they’ve failed in the past) creates men who “feel strong and capable” rather than insecure and helpless.
4. Holding your daughters to higher standards
“Children notice gender roles in their homes, media, schools, and peer groups in the preschool years,” said Dr. Elton. “By around age 10, many have already internalized strong ideas about what boys and girls are ‘supposed’ to be.”
Girls are held to higher behavioral standards in the classroom and expected to do more chores at home. They’re also held to higher ethical standards when they become women. Boys and men, on the other hand, often receive more behavioral leniency and fewer responsibilities.
On a societal level, this creates women who give and men who take. But modern women (especially those who also bring in money) are tired of endlessly giving without reciprocation.
The number-one complaint divorce lawyers hear from women? “My husband doesn’t pull his weight. Bills, chores, parenting, regulating emotions — I’m doing it all by myself.”
If you have sons and daughters, ensure that you’re not “overprotecting your boys from accountability while expecting your girls to manage everyone’s emotions,” said Dr. Elton. If you are, you’ll likely raise a son who expects his future partner to pick up the emotional, domestic, and parental slack, too.
5. Assuming fathers don’t have any influence
Chris Hardy / Unsplash
Our culture often blames mothers for how their children turn out, but research shows that when it comes to boys’ emotional development, fathers’ involvement matters immensely.
“Fathers shape sons by what they normalize,” said Dr. Elton. “A son watches how his father handles anger, treats his partner, speaks about women, apologizes, takes responsibility, and expresses tenderness.”
Boys need father figures who show them that strength and emotional maturity can co-exist. According to Dr. Elton, dads should model warmth, responsiveness, and healthy emotional regulation for their sons.
If a father loses his temper, he also needs to model accountability and repair after conflict. Dr. Elton recommends phrases like, “I was frustrated, but I should not have spoken that way,” or “I need a minute to calm down, then I’ll come back and talk.”
6. Failing to model healthy relationships
According to Runyon, if a boy sees his parents engaged in a healthy, happy, communicative relationship, he’ll be much more likely to replicate that dynamic later on with his own partner:
“Modeling healthy relationships is the best thing parents can do to ensure their children have healthy relationships as adults. Parents are a template for how a child relates to significant others later in life. They are the first relationship a child has. It’s up to parents to show them.”
And healing relationships aren’t just romantic. They’re also platonic. Runyon notes that “men are lonelier and more depressed than ever” because they “lack friendships and deep, intimate relationships.” Dads should also “model friendship connections for their sons,” showing their boys that a platonic emotional connection isn’t just for women.
7. Believing that 'boys will be boys'
In 2009, a British TV program called “Boys and Girls Alone” televised a controversial social experiment: Producers took a group of 20 children between the ages of 11 and 12 and split them into two houses: one for girls and one for boys. The children were given everything they needed to succeed, including food, cleaning supplies, and toys.
Almost immediately, the boys’ house unraveled into chaos. They fought, trashed the house, wrote all over the walls, had water gun fights inside, covered the carpet in sticky popcorn kernels, and split into toxic hierarchies.
The girls, on the other hand, established a functioning egalitarian society, assigning chores so everyone stayed fed and the house stayed clean. These behaviors are taught, not inherent. But when adults excuse aggression, entitlement, and disrespect as “boys being boys,” they teach them that harm is a part of masculinity.
Instead, we need to teach our sons that “masculinity does not require emotional numbness or disrespect,” Dr. Elton said. When boys are encouraged to be “strong, tender, assertive, accountable, affectionate, and emotionally honest,” they’re more likely to become “available partners, engaged fathers, and healthier adults.”
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others. She's in the process of publishing her memoir.
