If You Felt Like You Had To Hide Who You Were Growing Up, You Likely Have These 11 Odd Habits Now
Anton Dios / ShutterstockIn life, we are often encouraged to wear masks or personas that are not who we truly are in order to live up to the expectations others have for us.
At work, we’re expected to have a professional, prim persona and be passionate about work. At church, we’re expected to have a deeply spiritual and holy vibe. And at home? Well, it depends on how you were brought up.
Many of us grew up in families that constantly encouraged us to hide who we were. If we were to say something that didn’t go with the desired narrative, it would cause a torrent of problems. So, we masked. Of course, this leads to a bunch of habits that can be hard to break as you get older. The habits below prove that masking never really conceals everything.
If you felt like you had to hide who you were growing up, you likely have these 11 odd habits now
1. Saying, “I’m fine. Let’s talk about you. What’s going on with you?”
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Did you ever notice how some people never talk about themselves or what’s going on in their lives? The moment you ask what’s up, they’ll turn the conversation back to you. This is a sign that a person is masking their behavior–and that they’ve dealt with enough interpersonal trauma to feel like they can’t say they’re not okay.
If the person seems unusually cool and calm during times of extreme stress, now would be a good time to check in on them. You can’t force them to talk to you, because that often does more damage than staying silent. However, just being there, present, for them can be a major life-changing gesture.
2. Changing your favorite things based on who you are around
True story: I had a friend whose mom dictated to him what he liked. If he tried to tell her that he liked something outside of what she wanted him to like, she would punish him. She’d withhold affection, bark at him, insult him, or even scream at him.
Eventually, he grew up assuming that it was bad to reveal to anyone what he really wanted in life. So, among jocks, he was Mr. Sporty. Among geeks, he was Mr. Programmer. Among LGBTQIA+ people, he feigned who he was attracted to.
When he looked in the mirror, he had no idea who he was. Though he’s still working on breaking free of that behavior, he still tends to switch up his likes based on who he’s around.
3. Having specific scripts you stick to and panicking if the script doesn’t work
When you’re talking to someone, do you feel a need to stick to the script? Have you practiced scripts for what to say in certain discussions? If you’re on the autism or anxiety spectrum, there’s a good chance that you’ve done this as a way to hone your social skills.
Scripting is one of the most common masking methods for people with neurodivergence, including ADHD and autism. Going off-script will make many maskers get a little hyper. You might see them panic a little or just cut the conversation short while they wonder what to say next.
4. Forcing eye contact
Did you ever look someone in the eyes, only to feel like something is off? You might notice that their eye contact seems forced, anxious, or angsty. This might be a style of masking.
When you’re on the spectrum, people often remark that the lack of eye contact you make freaks them out. If you grew up in a family where you were told to make eye contact or face consequences, you likely learned to force yourself to look in other people’s eyes. It’s not what you want to do or who you are. But it’s part of the script and the “persona” people expect you to be.
There’s currently a hot debate about whether asking people with autism to make eye contact is a good idea. My vote as someone on the spectrum is a hard no, because it still feels forced to those who don't understand.
5. Getting tired of people really quickly
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When you’re raised to pretend to be someone you’re not, you get used to playing a character. It’s not unlike what you might see actors do at Disneyland. Unlike with actors, though, you’re not getting paid, and you’re often secretly miserable while you are doing it.
People don’t really acknowledge how exhausting it is to maintain a fake persona around others. Studies are starting to show that one of the most common signs of a person who grew up being forced to mask who they are is feeling deeply drained after hanging out with people. In other words, you might not be an introvert. You might just be tired of playing a person who really isn’t you.
6. Playing copycat
When you are told to hide your real personality from others during your childhood, you start to internalize it on crazy levels. One of the most basic ways people learn to adapt to that type of pressure is to copy the person most loved in a circle.
So you might notice them mirroring certain actions, picking up slang terms, or even making their own renditions of outfits. Obviously, this doesn’t bode well for the copycat nor the original. The original almost always gets weirded out. After a certain amount of time, the copycat will often suffer from an eroded sense of self. In other words, they may lose track of who they originally were.
7. Allowing yourself to be a doormat for others
Being told that you’re not safe to be who you want to be is a very painful experience, especially as a kid. It also tends to be an experience that comes with people who want to control every aspect of your being. In other words, you may have gotten used to others trampling your boundaries.
Growing up with a lack of personal boundaries can often lead to behaving like a doormat, where someone will completely roll over at the slightest provocation. If you’ve ever seen a person who seems to let others take advantage of them all the time, chances are that’s what they learned growing up.
8. Not defending others
Here’s the interesting thing I’ve personally noticed about people who grew up learning they needed to hide the real them from others: standing up for others is nearly impossible for them. The reason behind this is often twofold and tragic.
First, these people tend to be the ones who were bullied into fitting into certain boxes. Bullying scares them because they often had to deal with serious consequences if they didn’t do as they were told. They’d rather stay quiet than have eyes set on them.
Second, they often figure that no one would have stood up for them, so there’s no reason to stand up for others.
9. Frequently ghosting people
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Imagine the following scenario: a guy talks to you. He says all the right things, seems to be passionate about the same things you are, and is all about commitment. Then, you notice a little shift in energy. All of a sudden, he vanishes. Poof! You realize it then: he ghosted you.
Ghosting is on the rise, and much of the reason for it stems from conflict aversion. However, there’s another reason people ghost that isn’t as widely discussed. Most people who ghost tend to lie about who they are to their dates. Once they realize they can’t keep up the lie, they vanish because it’s easier than dealing with the consequences.
10. Extreme rebellion
Many people who were told to mask their behavior tend to remain fairly meek, but not everyone is like this. Some people end up breaking their masks altogether, becoming extremely loud rebels against the people who pressured them to fall in line. It’s what happens when a person gets fed up, angry, and tired of trying to please the unpleasable.
Many of the “problem children” people knew growing up were simply kids who got boxed in a bit too much. They snapped to the point where they said, “Enough is enough. I’m done letting others tell me how to live my life.”
11. Not remembering your childhood
Childhood memories are supposed to be with you for as long as you live, but that’s not always what happens. Jonice Webb, Ph.D., notes that people who have spotty childhood memories often experienced trauma that made them push those memories out.
One of the bigger unsung causes of memory erasure is trauma that comes from being emotionally erased by your family, and yes, forced masking is a form of it. As adults, people who struggle with this type of past are easy to spot. They’re the ones who can’t seem to remember anything about their childhoods.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
