11 Straight-Up Lies Parents Tell Their Kids About Grown-Up Life
MAYA LAB | ShutterstockAs their kids grow up, the role of a parent changes. From teaching them to look both ways before they cross the street as children to helping them learn valuable and practical lessons in adolescence, parents are tasked with keeping kids safe, all while preparing them for the future. And while they may teach them well in some aspects, there are still straight-up lies parents tell their kids about grown-up life.
Parents don’t know everything, nor are they perfect, and their mistakes are often important teaching opportunities. But as children become adults, they may begin to realize that everything they were told was simply made up. Most of the time, those lies come from a place of good intentions, but it's difficult to accept that life won't always unfold the way their parents explained it would.
Here are 11 straight-up lies parents tell their kids about grown-up life
1. You're supposed to have it all figured out by 18
AlessandroBiascioli | Shutterstock
Parents often worry about their kids' future, as well as their health and happiness. They may fear that they'll lose their way in the world, so they tell their kids they need to have their entire lives planned out by the time they turn 18.
Parents often put pressure on their kids to have a life plan before they get to college. They expect their kids to have their major picked out and to know what job they want once they graduate. But the truth is that college is a stepping stone, not the finish line.
Kids don’t have to have their whole life figured out by the time they graduate high school. In fact, most adults spend the majority of their lives figuring things out. Kids deserve the chance to learn who they are, away from their parents, which means they’ll stumble and fall sometimes, and that’s okay.
2. You’ll know when you find 'the one'
Iryna Inshyna | Shutterstock
Though rom-coms will have us believe that your soulmate is out there somewhere, and you'll have a feeling when you meet them, it's just a lie parents tell their kids about growing up. It's harmful, because the truth is that no two people are perfect for each other.
A healthy adult relationship is grounded in a couple's decision to show up for each other, even though they’re flawed. Falling in love isn’t magic, and falling in love at first sight is a fairytale. It usually doesn’t lead to a stable relationship even when it happens.
3. Adulthood means you'll always know what to do
Iryna Inshyna | Shutterstock
Parents tell their kids that they’ll have everything figured out once they grow up, and while growing up is exciting, it’s also an inherently scary process. For most kids, the idea that they have to navigate the world’s challenges on their own is intimidating. Parents tell their kids they’ll have it all figured out when they get older to ease their fears about the future, but their lies can have consequences.
Parents want the best for their kids, doing everything they can to mold their kids into resilient, confident people. However, telling them that being an adult means they'll always know what to do can cause more harm than good.
“Adulthood is not about reaching an endpoint. It doesn’t require that you have everything figured out but that you keep going even though you don’t,” clinical psychologist Seth Gillihan explained.
He described the experience of adulthood as “making the best choices you can and owning the consequences, without knowing for sure if you’re doing it right. It’s facing the pain and possibility that each day brings, even when you feel afraid. It means losing your peace of mind and rediscovering it again and again.”
4. You have to be married by your 30s
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Social norms shift with each generation, impacting how people enter relationships. Attitudes around marriage have changed significantly, which means people aren’t getting married as young as they used to.
Data from the U.S. Census revealed just how much marriage conventions have shifted. In 1980, the average age for men to be married was 25, and the average age for women was 22. Now, the average age that men marry is 30, and for women, it’s 28.
According to psychology professor Laurence Steinberg, “the timetable of young adulthood has been pushed forward, and the single transitional event that has been pushed forward the most is marriage.” So, there’s no time limit on relationships, no matter how much parents pressure their kids to get married.
5. Hard work always equals success
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
It’s a hard truth to accept, but working hard doesn’t always lead to success, despite what parents teach their kids about grown-up life. So many people work hard for their whole lives just to make ends meet. Nut being an adult means you define success in your own way. You might not make six figures or own a big home, but you still have the freedom to find out what success means to you.
“A traditional understanding of success is largely measured by external achievements, wealth, status, and material possessions rather than by living a life that is genuine and aligned with one’s values, passions, and inner truths,” resiliency and wellness scholar Robyne Hanley-Dafoe revealed. “The reality is that you can meet all of the traditional markers of success and still not feel fulfilled.”
Hanley-Dafoe added that knowing who you are and how you want to live leads to authenticity, which creates a deeper sense of fulfillment. Rather than lying to their children, parents can teach them that success is all about finding what makes them have a sense of purpose and meaning, not defining their worth by rigid expectations of success.
6. Adulthood means no more homework
EZ-Stock Studio | Shutterstock
While parents may tell their kids that being an adult means no more homework, that's not exactly true. When kids are in school, their primary responsibility is getting their homework done, and because it can be tedious and challenging, parents might say that they’ll never have homework again once they grow up.
Being an adult might mean school is over, but adulthood still comes with its own version of homework. For adults, life is often an endless cycle of paperwork, whether it's keeping track and paying off bills, or handling forms and documents related to their health or job. It's not schoolwork, but adulthood comes with a sense of independence and responsibilities.
7. There’s always time to chase your dreams
Iryna Inshyna | Shutterstock
Parents balance practicality with inspiration, and they often teach their kids the lie that there’s always time to follow their dreams. They want their children to feel hopeful about their future, so they maintain the myth that there’s no time limit to accomplishing their goals.
However, life is finite. Delaying your dreams might make sense, but most people want to look back on their lives with the feeling that they did everything they could to feel fulfilled by their choices. Your hopes and dreams in adulthood are bound to look different than when you were a kid, but the most important thing is that you didn’t hold yourself back from going after the life you wanted.
8. Love alone will keep your marriage strong
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Kids look to their parents to set an example of what it means to have a healthy relationship. When they ask their parents about marriage, and their parents say that love is always enough to keep a marriage strong, it's a straight-up lie. Because, in reality, if you don’t put in the effort, your marriage won’t be successful.
As psychologist Roger K. Allen explained, "Love is essential, buy not the whole story. A healthy marriage does not just happen, even with love. It has to be built through intention, practice, and habits that transform love from a feeling into a resilient, lasting bond."
9. A steady job equals financial security
Sayan Puangkham | Shutterstock
When parents tell their kids that having a grown-up job will always provide them with financial security, that's not exactly true. For older generations, work offered way more security than it does now. They worked for one company throughout their careers, and they received pensions once they retired. Now, the volatility of the job market means an increased sense of anxiety around money.
There’s no guarantee for stability, even when you’ve hit all your marks. Layoffs can happen without any warning. The cost of living can always increase. You can have a medical emergency that costs all your savings. Life can change instantly, and part of adulthood is accepting that fact.
10. Just forgive and forget
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock
Accepting an apology isn’t always right, no matter what parents tell their kids. When parents teach their children that they should forgive and forget, even though someone has hurt them deeply, they're overlooking the damage that can occur when you accept someone’s apology before you’re ready to forgive them.
According to clinical mental health counselor Dan Bates, forgiving someone before you’re ready is a form of toxic forgiveness, which occurs when a person accepts that apology before actually healing from the hurt they've endured.
“This type of forgiveness is often a response to pressure, either from others or oneself, to ‘move on’ or ‘let it go’ without adequately processing the emotions involved... True forgiveness requires more than just moving on. It involves acknowledging the hurt, processing the emotions, and committing to meaningful changes in the relationship,” Bates explained.
11. Life gets easier when you’re older
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
As much as parents might wish it were true, life doesn’t get easier once you become an adult. However, parents maintain this lie because they don’t want their kids to lose hope about what’s to come. They do their best to prepare their kids for the future, but teaching them that growing up is easy can do them a grave disservice.
Parents want their kids to be confident and resilient, and face the challenges that will inevitably come their way. But the best way to prepare a child for the future is to let them fall and get back up. They need to understand that life won't always be easy, but overcoming the hard times makes them stronger in the end.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer based in Boston, Massachusetts who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
