Your Parents Absolutely Loved You Unconditionally If These 11 Things Ring True As An Adult
Martin Novak | Shutterstock One of the most important gifts parents can offer is unconditional love along with healthy structure and boundaries. This crucial balance allows you to develop healthy, long-lasting attachments in adulthood. This is why, if your parents loved you unconditionally, you probably feel secure as an adult.
No one is perfect and parents are bound to make mistakes. But if they build their parenting style on a foundation of unconditional love, support, and respect, it's highly likely a few things will ring true for their kids as adults.
Your parents absolutely loved you unconditionally if these 11 things ring true as an adult
1. You’re comfortable being yourself
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If you feel a deep sense of comfort in who you are, your parents probably loved you unconditionally. Parents who always have your best interests at heart are a gift, especially if they accept who you are, rather than trying to make you into something they wish you were.
As a result, you don’t feel any need to shrink down your personality. Their unconditional acceptance gave you the emotional resilience needed to become an adult who believes in your innate self-worth.
Showing up as the authentic version of yourself isn’t always easy, especially when you’re given the message that you’re just “too much” or somehow inherently wrong. That's why unconditional love is so powerful. You don’t have to hide who you are.
2. You’re adaptable
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Another sign you were loved unconditionally by your parents is the way you are extremely adaptable in unfamiliar situations. Your parents encouraged you to enter new environments with your head held high. You were taught to have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset, which experts say gives people the skills to adapt better to change and bounce back faster from setbacks.
Unconditional love from parents also helps people become more adaptable by giving them a firm foundation on which to build their identity. They know who they are, so when something changes, they don't have to fear their identity being at risk.
It's almost like a turtle with a shell, where a person who was loved unconditionally has a "home" on their back to carry with them, even when everything around them is shifting.
3. You have a healthy view of failure
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One sign that your parents loved you unconditionally is how you react to failure. Of course, nobody likes to fail, and it can be very painful, but if your parents treated failures as learning experiences rather than excuses to be angry at you or withhold love, you likely learned to handle failure well.
Because your parents didn’t base their love on your achievements, you understood that your value and worth weren’t tied to your productivity. You were allowed to be wrong without your parents judging you. Mistakes are mistakes, not a reflection of who you are, at your core.
4. You have kind inner dialogue
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If you have a kind inner dialog, an "inner voice" that is comforting to you, it's likely because your parents spoke kindly to you when you were young. When parents are able to give their child unconditional love, it's more likely the child will be able to give themselves unconditional love as adults.
According to psychologist Dr. Maryam M. Jernigan-Noesi, "A child’s sense of self is a representation of what they hear, see, and come to think of themselves. The voices of the caretakers in a child’s life characterize their first interactions."
You internalized the unconditional love and support your parents showed you, which helped you become the well-adjusted person you are now.
5. You’re not afraid to be vulnerable
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Being vulnerable and sharing your inner world can be scary, but parents who love you unconditionally lays the groundwork you need to be open about your emotions.
According to Gillian England-Mason, a researcher into pediatric development, "Gaining the ability to be aware of, understand and manage feelings is an important part of child development. Studies have shown that parents who have an “emotion coaching” philosophy support their children’s emotional regulation, behaviour and social skills."
Your parents modeled vulnerability by letting you feel all your feelings, even the harder, messier ones. They showed you how to name your feelings and process them. Because your parents raised you knowing you were loved even when your feelings were messy or inconvenient, expressing your emotions was accepted.
Now, as an adult, you know that vulnerability is the key to connection. You likely offer that sort of acceptance to your closest loved ones and share vulnerability with them in a mutual way. That is a beautiful skill.
6. You practice open communication
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Another sign your parents loved you unconditionally is your ability to have open and direct communication. You don’t shy away from sharing your opinions or voicing your concerns because you were taught to believe in speaking up for yourself. But it's not just speak up, you also use empathy to make sure you're hearing the other person, a key aspect of being a good communicator.
According to experts, "Effective open communication is deeply tied to emotional intelligence — recognizing our triggers and emotions to engage professionally and thoughtfully."
And recognizing our feelings and our triggers is another gift of parents who love you unconditionally. They help you become a healthier version of yourself by teaching you these emotional skills, leading to better communication and connection with others.
7. You have high self-esteem
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When your parents absolutely loved you unconditionally, they likely told you that you were valued and supported no matter what, which allowed you to believe in yourself. This type of unconditional positive regard helps kids build a firm base from which to build their identity.
In psychology, unconditional positive regard is “An attitude of caring, acceptance, and prizing that others express toward an individual irrespective of their behavior and without regard to the others’ personal standards.” According to psychologist Carl Rogers, unconditional positive regard helps build people’s self-awareness, self-worth, and personality growth, as it’s “a universal human need essential to healthy development.”
Because your parents accepted and loved you as you were then and as you are now, you grew into someone who fully believes in yourself and knows that you are deserving of love, respect, and care. Your high self-esteem lets you take on challenges and show resilience in the face of hardships, all because your unconditional parents always had your best interests at heart.
8. You have high levels of empathy
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Experiencing unconditional love from your parents likely gave you a baseline of empathy that supports your relationships in adulthood. You show deep compassion and understanding for other people’s feelings, a behavior that mirrors the empathy your parents showed you in childhood.
As licensed marriage and family therapist Virginia Gilbert shares, parents relate to us in childhood, how they “meet our needs, mirror our feelings, validate our experience, shape our neural pathways and our ability to regulate our own emotions.”
“If your parents fed you when you were hungry, soothed you when you were upset, smiled when you smiled, and were reliable most of the time, then you learned how to regulate your nervous system,” Gilbert explained.
“You grew up feeling like the world was a safe place and expected relationships to be a safe harbor,” she concluded.
Because your parents showed empathy for you in both the practical and emotional sense, you developed the distinct ability to connect to other people. This ability to imagine other people's experiences is a gift from your parents, one you will pass on yourself.
9. You're not afraid to take calculated risks
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If you're one of those people that is comfortable putting yourself out there and taking calculated (not self-destructive) risks, it's likely your parents loved you unconditionally. That foundation of unconditional love likely gave you a solid base from which to launch new ideas or do brave, new things. It also helped you develop enough thoughtfulness to pause before taking these risks so they are brave, but not necessarily self-destructive.
As Kosta Ligris, entreprenuer in residence at MIT, teaches, "take a risk, not a chance."
When you experienced unconditional love, you don't need to thrill-seek for self-esteem or to get attention. That's when risk-taking becomes healthy and productive.
You’re not scared to try new things or fail because you know that making mistakes is part of the human experience. Your parents' unconditional love and support showed you that failing isn’t the end of the world but rather a normal part of life, especially when you’re doing something you’ve never done before.
10. You know that perfection is a myth
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If your parents loved you unconditionally, you probably learned early that perfectionism is self-defeating. In fact, perfection in almost any form is a lie. According to Sara Egan, a professor at Curtin University in Perth, "There are studies that suggest that the higher the perfectionism is, the more psychological disorders you're going to suffer."
Because of your parents' acceptance, your inner dialogue reflects your parents’ positive reinforcement and the affirmations they gave you throughout your childhood. You know that perfection is an unattainable myth and that trying your hardest with the tools you have is more than good enough.
When you feel supported to take risks and try things, to fail and make mistakes, you learn that it's how you recover (and apologize, if needed) that counts the most. When that revelation hits, it's incredibly freeing.
11. You treat others well
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Despite how some people may see it, unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional approval or acceptance. If a kid does something cruel, unkind, or unsafe, parents who love them unconditionally still identify the behavior, find its roots, create consequences when necessary and hold their children to account.
According to Seattle Children's Hospital, kids thrive on structure and routines. "From the day they're born until they leave home, children benefit from structure and stability," the experts write.
That's why kids who were loved unconditionally, but with structure and guardrails, tend to treat others incredibly well. They have profound empathy for others and they have self-control. They set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others.
These things, in combination, make for one of the most exceptional friends, family members, coworkers and partners. If this sounds like you, then you should probably thank your parents!
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and the entertainment industry.
