The Biggest Reason Men And Women Fall In Love So Differently Comes Down To These 4 Things
Yan Krukau | CanvaIf you're wondering who falls in love faster, men or women, it depends on your definition of love. The sparks might fly, and the butterflies may flutter, but that does not mean you have truly fallen in love — or, at least, into the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. In fact, what you might mistake for love could be the experience of limerence or simple lust.
Neurobiologists know love is all about hormones and other chemical reactions in the brain and body. Everyone is at the mercy of one of Mother Nature’s most delightful and devastating little tricks, which has successfully resulted in 8.3 billion (and counting!) humans on the planet. But it turns out, men and women may both fall deeply in love, but they often get there in very different ways.
The biggest reason men and women fall in love so differently comes down to these 4 things:
1. Men tend to fall in love fast, while women take their time
Men are generally attracted to a woman physically first, then mentally, emotionally, and, finally, spiritually. Women tend to be attracted mentally first, then emotionally, physically, and, at last, spiritually. "If women commit to and get pregnant by an unworthy mate with no help rearing a child, that would be very costly, time and resource-wise," Professor of psychology Marissa A. Harrison, Ph.D., explained on the biological difference.
One study of 172 college students suggested that men fall in love and say "I love you" earlier in a relationship than women. Although women are assumed to be more in touch with their emotions than men, men took an average of 88 days to fall in love, whereas women took an average of 134 days to feel the same.
Men may fall in love faster than women, and women need more time to feel trust due to the subconscious biological imperative to find the most suitable partner to father children, which is likely why intimacy works best for a woman once her emotional needs are being met.
"Women unconsciously postpone love compared to men," Professor Harrison said. "Women have a lot more to lose reproductively by committing to the wrong man. They are born with a finite number of eggs, yet men produce millions of sperm daily."
2. Men are more likely to pull back and want to slow things down
we.bond.creations via Shutterstock
There's a point when both partners need to reflect on whether they are in the right relationship. Men often pull away and go inside themselves at this stage, while women are more likely to become more highly engaged.
Relationship coach Alex Cormont explained, "Some men pull away the moment they realize they’re developing real feelings. Unfortunately, this can also happen at the very moment you realize you're developing real feelings for them!. This fear of love happens because suddenly, there are important stakes involved. They begin worrying about the potential outcomes of the relationship, and this affects their behavior. They become nervous, which leads to uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability that many men don’t know how to handle."
For women, this can be a time when emotions run high, especially anxiety, and some may text or call their new beau too many times. Moving on to the next stage requires both partners to give each other space and time to decide if they want to move into exclusivity. One study found that men are especially likely to pull away when they feel their masculinity has been threatened.
3. Men are more likely to regret inaction than action
If a woman is immediately physically drawn to a man, she may see it as a red flag or a cautionary warning, seeing it as a sign that she may be attracted to her fantasy of who he might be and not necessarily to who he is. Although there's a chance a man might be the right one for her, a woman cannot know that early on. For the most successful relationship, both partners need to be prepared to go at different paces as they navigate the various stages of dating and relationships.
A study of regret said that within romantic relationships, men emphasize regrets of inaction over action, whereas women report regrets of inaction and action equally, and the reason is often biological because of reproduction. Men tend to regret a missed chance, while women are more likely to carefully consider the risks of pregnancy before taking action. Or, perhaps men are more likely to say "I love you" first because they would rather be wrong later than to miss their chance to say it.
4. Women become less selective the more they have been rejected
One study found that women who have experienced rejection become "significantly less selective" when faced with romantic choices in the future. This is often likely because rejecting someone is a riskier prospect for women than it is for men. Further studies have explained how men punish women for rejecting them, whereas women don't punish men for doing the same.
Among these findings, researchers have stated: "Women felt they were more likely to be penalized for engaging in social rejection than men, women were less willing to endorse social rejection than men, and men (but not women) viewed female rejectors in a more negative manner than male rejectors."
To be fair, though, all the studies agree that more research is needed to know for sure who has the last word on who falls in love fastest and hardest — men or women. Love is as individual as the two people it brings together.
Melodie Tucker is an internationally known Mars Venus Success Coach and instructor, guiding people to discover what it is they want out of life — and then helping them figure out how to get it.
