4 Complaints Husbands Casually Bring Up Most In Therapy, Says Psychologist
Juanmonino | CanvaAs a couples counselor, I hear a lot of marriage complaints from both husbands and wives.
Every relationship is different, but over time, certain themes tend to come up again and again in couples therapy. Some husbands feel ignored, some feel like the fun has disappeared, and some feel like their wives are so focused on the kids that the marriage gets pushed aside. Whether your relationship is going well and you're curious about what might cause trouble later, or things already feel hard and you're wondering whether other couples face the same problems, these are the complaints husbands most often bring up in therapy.
Here are 4 marriage complaints husbands casually bring up in therapy:
1. 'She doesn't seem interested in me anymore'
This complaint usually shows up in two ways: physical intimacy and emotional attention. The areas are intimacy and everything else. Many men say that their wives no longer seem attracted to them or desire them at all.
But probably even more men in couples counseling are upset that their wives no longer seem interested in them at all. They feel that their wives tune out their work anecdotes, are uninterested in their opinions on parenting, and couldn't care less about their interests outside of work, like hobbies.
Often, they say that their wives barely look up when they come home and are glued to their phones after the kids go to bed. Some men feel like their wives wouldn't care if they had an affair as long as they still met their childcare, housework, and financial obligations.
2. 'She is too anxious or focused on the kids'
Andrej Lišakov / Unsplash+
It can be very difficult to cope with a partner's child-related anxiety. Sometimes, when husbands bring this up in therapy, they describe wives whose worry may be at a clinical level. In fact, according to a Harris Poll survey commissioned by CVS Health, 40% of working moms have been diagnosed with anxiety or depression.
Half the time, though, the issue is less clinical and more about personality differences between a more laid-back husband and a more structured wife. They did not experience anything in their upbringing that resembles the amount of attention that their wives pay to their kids, for better or for worse. This difference can also create tension with extended family, especially when grandparents have very different ideas about parenting.
3. 'There isn't any fun anymore, and everything feels like a crisis'
In today's culture, women feel tremendous pressure to do everything "right," including parenting, homemaking, succeeding at a job outside the home or being a perfect stay-at-home mom, being in good shape, eating "right," and so forth. Particularly in women already predisposed to anxiety, this can yield a home atmosphere that feels like boot camp or an operating room.
If you add in a resentful husband who tries to play devil's advocate or be the voice of reason, the whole relationship can feel even more stressful. No matter where this pattern started, men who have this complaint end up retreating from the home either physically or mentally because they feel so stressed by the environment.
4. 'She seems less invested in herself and our relationship'
This isn't one I usually hear voiced in couples counseling, but it is often beneath the surface of other complaints. Many men, particularly those focused on fitness and health themselves, feel sad and disappointed when a woman they felt shared their focus has, in their minds, changed in a way that makes him feel they no longer share the same priorities.
In reality, this complaint is often rooted in the first one: that the man is sad that the woman doesn't seem to care about his opinion about her looks as she once did, and that he feels her body changes signify the end of her desire for him or the prioritization of her love life.
This issue, if left unexplored, can sow seeds that ultimately destroy the marriage in the long term. This is because when a woman is in the few years post-last-baby, she often literally could not care less about her weight or fitness level, as she feels she is in survival mode, which is normal and necessitates empathy from her husband. However, when the children reach elementary school age, many women who previously valued fitness will get back into it.
Unfortunately, if they remember that their husbands were unsupportive or openly critical during the period that they were solely focused on young children, they may feel less emotionally connected to husbands who criticized them during one of the hardest seasons of parenting. Alternatively, if a woman does not end up ever caring about fitness again and her husband prioritizes it greatly, this disparity can be a massive source of incompatibility long term, and that doesn't mean that the husband is "shallow" any more than it would be shallow for any person to be upset by a partner not sharing a key interest/philosophy anymore.
If any of these complaints have been voiced by you or your spouse, and you are not in couples counseling, this may be the time to start.
These sorts of issues do not tend to resolve themselves without both partners opening themselves up to a hard inward look and owning their contribution to the problem. Don't wait until the relationship is in crisis to address issues that have been building for years.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
