If Every Little Disagreement Turns Into A Big Deal, These 5 Habits Stop It From Escalating
Michael Walk | UnsplashThere's a lot of marriage advice out there, but if you want some relationship tips on how to stop fighting so much, you'll need to start with effective communication skills for conflict resolution. Learning various successful conflict management styles is a skill that can make or break a marriage and is, therefore, extremely important. But the good news is that we can learn how by improving our communication skills.
"It takes two to tango", after all. So when one partner moves into conflict management, the other usually follows or can be coaxed into following along. Couples with excellent conflict resolution skills tend to "wow" most of us. From the outside looking in, they have it all: romance, friendship, loyalty, and many other enviable qualities in their married life.
From the inside looking out, as any successful long-term couple can tell you, the "wow" factor took much hard work. Like most married couples, one hopes for a marriage without conflict. Any authority on marriage will tell you right away that it is not realistic nor even desirable.
Conflict serves a fundamental purpose in long-term partnerships. It's a door to emotional honesty. Moreover, to keep the door to emotional honesty open, it is necessary first to accept this inevitability: conflict is inevitable and even needed.
Many partners have trouble with that concept because their stress hormones climb to uncomfortable heights. It is knowing how to manage that stress during conflict that is essential. Couples that completely tacitly avoid conflict need to learn to fight again, according to Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, a practical guide for couples to learn to connect at a deeper level.
Couples that have a habit of avoiding conflict coexist side by side without a more profound connection, so they need to learn to fight again so that their fighting will fuel the emotional honesty and the passion again.
There are also uninvited emotions that show up during heated exchanges between partners that make the management of conflict impossible. These painful emotions are contempt and blame. So, steering away from indulging in these emotions and keeping the communication respectful is immensely vital. Also, couples that know how to manage conflict without sliding into ugly fighting achieve a magical balance.
If every little disagreement turns into a big deal, these 5 habits stop it from escalating:
1. Clearly define the conflict
As with any argument, disagreement, or misunderstanding, rabbit trails tend to happen. After all, in the heat of a conflict, it’s not uncommon to quickly "see red".
As a result, you may be tempted to bring up past arguments or even pile mounds of smaller issues on top of the current conflict. Naturally, this compounds the problem, making the current conflict as clear as mud.
Instead of going in 1,000 directions, try to use clarity and define the conflict at hand. Furthermore, make it a habit only to handle one or two issues at a time per session. Anything over this is a recipe for disaster.
The couples who fight effectively are the ones who keep their discussions focused. Marriage counselor Dr. Lynda Spann explained that "even happy, healthy relationships include fights. The difference between what you do in your relationship and what the healthiest couples do comes down to communication and resolution, and if you find that you fight often and never resolve anything, it's time to seek help from a marriage counselor."
2. Focus on solving the problem
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Along with defining the actual conflict, be sure to focus on solving the problem. In dealing with a conflict, it’s easy to finger-point or cast blame. You may even start to nit-pick at your partner.
This type of behavior stems from a general annoyance or anger toward your partner. Although it’s completely natural to experience it, it can prevent you from resolving the problem. So, stay focused on the real issue.
According to psychotherapist Dr. Stan Tatkin, the strongest couples "remember that their goal is to resolve the issue, not to harm the relationship." The mind shift from needing to be right to needing to work together is what leads to better problem-solving. "Fighting friendly means that even when disagreements occur, there's a foundation of love and care that underpins the entire conflict. This ensures that no matter how intense the argument may get, the relationship remains intact," Tatkin explains.
3. Practice empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand your partner’s feelings. Remember, understanding is not the same as agreeing. When you understand, you make an effort to see things from their point of view. Attempting to understand helps to feel a bit of what they may have felt at the moment the situation happened.
In practicing empathy, active listening is a valuable skill to employ. Active listening also helps communicate to your partner that you do understand them. Furthermore, validate what they are feeling. Your partner has the right to feel what they feel, whether you agree or not.
This may be a complicated process for them, consisting of past emotions of which you’re unaware. Acknowledging the feelings and emotions they share with you will do wonders for your relationship. Doing so will encourage you both to be more open and vulnerable with each other, eliminating the "stalemate" stance.
"In general, empathy is a powerful predictor of things we consider to be positive behaviors that benefit society, individuals, and relationships," explained empathy expert Dr. Karina Schumann, PhD, a professor of social psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. "Research has shown that empathy motivates many types of behaviors, such as forgiveness, volunteering, and helping, and that it's negatively associated with things like aggression and bullying."
4. Make forgiveness a habit
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Let’s get this straight: to forgive someone has more to do with you than them. It’s releasing harmful emotions to keep them from harboring inside of you, corroding your entire being.
In a marriage, it’s a good idea to make forgiveness a habit. Otherwise, you’ll be going round and round like boxers in a fighting ring. Once you and your partner have resolved a conflict, choose to let it go.
Letting go wholeheartedly embraces the idea of forgiving and forgetting, and it’s probably one of the hardest parts of marriage. Reverend Christopher L. Smith, a marriage and family therapist, explains that "there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving is not about approving what the other has done; it is all about how you relate with the other person, especially within yourself. Focusing on these things can help you get to the point where you will be able to forgive."
5. Let the little things go
Couples who deal with many conflicts tend to fight about little things, such as dirty dishes or socks on the floor. This isn’t to downplay how important "little" things are in a marriage. However, there’s one caveat to this — fighting over dirty dishes in the sink isn’t usually a fight about dirty dishes in the sink. Not really, anyway.
Couples often get "caught in a turbulent cycle of finger-pointing and frustration" where the same arguments repeat over and over, explained couples therapists Katie and Gay Hendricks. "Each of them feels wrong and stuck. No matter how much they argued, the problem didn't go away; just the opposite." By getting to the core of the conflict, you can eliminate the outside noise from silly things like socks or dishes.
In fact, they tend to bug you less and less the more you address real issues in your relationship. When you learn to let little things go, it has a way of illuminating the relationship core so you can get back to the heart of your marriage.
Engracia Gill is a psychotherapist in West Lake Hills, Texas, where she helps clients strengthen their communication, confidence, and self-respect. She works with individuals and couples navigating the patterns and dynamics that keep them stuck.
