3 Unforgivable Lies That That Keep People Stuck In Unhappy Marriages For Years And Years
alexeydemidov | PexelsThe first unforgivable lie that keeps people miserable in their marriage? That marriage is easy. The work can indeed be worthwhile, as fairy tale princesses and princes always knew, but it's far from easy.
Marriage is, in fact, work — worthy work, of course, but still work. And one of the first items on the marital docket is scrapping these fibs from the job description.
Here are the lies that keep people stuck in unhappy marriages:
1. 'Your partner will fulfill every part of you'
Sound familiar? It should. It is just one of the big unforgivable marriage lies promoted by advertising, movies, and fake love stories. Other lies include the idea that your partner is there to make you happy and will always comfort you when you're sad and heal you when you're hurt. Theoretically, a great partner will do some of this stuff, but we're kinda on our own when it comes to taking care of ourselves. Consider your partner a big bonus.
Sadly, the more you need love, the more hurt you've been, and the more unfulfilled you are, the more you buy into the lie that it is your partner's job to keep you happy. This lie can destroy a marriage. Of course, many more lies can creep into a marriage and cause damage, too: The lies we tell ourselves, the lies we tell because of shame, and the lies that hide basic betrayals that make rebuilding trust feel impossible. We'll get into those next.
2. 'Your partner's job is to keep you happy'
Federica Giacomazzi / Unsplash+
Repeat after us: You are responsible for your own happiness — nobody else. The best marriages are created by two people who can truly know themselves and each other. Remember fairy tales? Happy endings come after the beautiful princess has endured cruelty, falsity, and hard work. She remains strong in her goodness, bravery, and desire for love, and the prince has worked to overcome obstacles, too.
It's kind of like the airplane directive to put on your own oxygen mask first. There's a reason that's legit life-saving advice: If you can't make yourself happy or love yourself first, you sure as heck won't be able to provide that to the person you love.
3. 'You'll always have that in-love feeling'
The honeymoon phase doesn't last. Yes, there are ways to get the spark back, but the initial flutter of intoxication is limerence, not love. Sooner or later, years in, you have a simple miscommunication over loading the dishwasher.
He claims you're being too critical about the way he does it, you protest that's not what you're telling them, and he gets angry. You get more hurt and angry because they're not listening, and if you're not careful, what started as a pinprick becomes a volcano. But we've been lied to and convinced ourselves love should be perfect, so this little tiff may come as a total shock. Big spoiler alert: Love is not, nor will it ever be, perfect. It's how you get through the moments when the lusty feelings have subsided that prove your worth.
Carol Freund, LCSW, practices holistic counseling and psychotherapy. Carol loves working with people to get their desires for love and their lives more in sync with each other.
