People In Great Marriages Always Make Time To Ask These 7 Old-Fashioned Questions
pics five | ShutterstockMany women tell me that they want to talk more with their husbands, but they get caught in the quagmire of small talk. Although I have literally written a book on conversation starters with your partner (it’s not just for email but can be used to start conversations in person too), here are seven old-fashioned conversation starters that are least likely to crash and burn and most likely to lead to feeling more connected.
However, keep in mind that if your husband tends to answer everything with either two words, a joke, or a combination of those, you have to set him up to succeed by saying, “No, really, I want to be closer, and please let’s try to have a conversation. I promise it will only last for ten minutes max.” Or some variation thereof. (Note that sometimes, the genders are reversed for these roles, and the husband wants to talk while the wife doesn’t. Reverse pronouns accordingly, as always, if your personalities are the inverse of these.)
People in great marriages always make time to ask these old-fashioned questions:
1. 'How did you get so good at XYZ?'
If your husband is excellent at fixing the car, playing softball, or soothing your child from a nightmare, ask him with genuine curiosity where he developed those skills. Don’t take “I don’t know” as an answer. There is some story in there about his dad teaching him to take apart an engine or his older brother soothing him from nightmares in their shared bedroom. This is the stuff you’re going for: emotional sharing gold.
2. 'If every job paid the same amount, what would you do for work?'
After the requisite “professional napper” answer, try to get a serious answer. This can help you understand your husband’s dreams, his career goals, his frustrations with his current job, and more. You can answer yourself too, and in the best-case scenario, you can discuss how you could both make those aspirations a reality, even partially.
3. 'How much do you think we should be putting away for retirement and why?'
You may know that your husband is a stickler for 401K contributions, or conversely, doesn’t think about them at all. But why? What life experiences led to how your husband thinks about money and retirement? What does he want enough money to do during retirement one day? These types of discussions can make you feel a lot more connected, and from your husband’s perspective, they aren’t “mushy” or awkward topics.
4. 'Which of my parents do you think I’m most like?'
Paulo Victor / Unsplash
If you can be non-defensive, and if your husband can trust you enough to know this isn’t the trap or the start of a fight, this can be a very interesting conversation and can give you a window into what your husband notices about you and your family. Women love noticing. If your parents are a touchy subject and you have multiple siblings or children, use that instead.
5. 'What’s a nice memory you have from when we were first dating/married?'
This is a great standby question for any date night or really any time at all. Make sure that you have an answer at the ready as well, and you can even start with yours. Sharing positive memories really makes people feel close, which is why those romantic video montage scenes work in romantic comedies.
6. 'What would your ideal next vacation be?'
Research shows that anticipating a vacation is a lot of its positive benefit on our moods. Planning makes women all kinds of happy. So combining the two is going to be a good conversation. It doesn’t matter if the next vacation is in three weeks or three years, as long as it’s something to look forward to.
7. 'I really appreciated when you did XYZ. Did you know that would make me happy?'
Let’s say you come home and the stars have aligned, and the gods are smiling, and your husband packaged up some random thing you have to send out via UPS and swept the living room. For many women, the delight they take in this stuff getting done is second only to the idea that their husband specifically and intentionally did this with even a secondary aim of making them happy.
Here, you’re invited to tell your husband that you were on his mind when he did this thing you asked him to do one million times before, and that will make you feel warm and fuzzy. After that, you can talk about how nice you feel when he does things for you, and then you can immediately fall into bed together (if you have no kids, that is).
Best of luck trying these gambits, my fair readership. Let me know if even one recalcitrant conversationalist is dragged, kicked, and screaming outside his comfort zone via these guerrilla tactics.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
