People Who've Been Happily Married Forever Usually Say This Old-Fashioned Phrase Pretty Often
fotoak | ShutterstockI’ve been a marriage and family counselor for more than 40 years, and I’m still surprised at how little we know about relationships. It took me many years to understand two statements my wife made about what made her happy in our marriage.
“I love it when you do the dishes,” Carlin tells me. I’ll admit that statement got me doing more dishes, but I never really believed her. “I love it when you go to the doctor,” she told me. I don’t like seeing doctors, but I do want to stay healthy and prevent little problems from becoming big problems. So, I go. But I never believed it had anything to do with our love life.
As I’ve gotten older, I realize how wise my wife is, and like most things in life, the gift is in the details.
In the small, day-to-day events of our lives. I’ve learned that it's how we respond to the hundreds of verbal and non-verbal requests for emotional connection that will determine whether our relationship flourishes or wilts on the vine.
I realized that washing dishes is really about a lot more than washing dishes. It tells my wife that I care about her desire to have a clean kitchen every day. It tells her that I’m aware that bending over the sink to wash can aggravate her back and that my remembering to do the dishes every day shows I care and respect her comfort.
Going to the doctor, hot stuff? Well, think of it this way: a sick husband is about the most “unattractive” being on the face of the planet.
When I’m sick, I’m angry and ashamed that I’m not the “big, strong man” I long to be. I'm ambivalent about being taken care of. I want and need Carlin’s care and support, yet I'm afraid of appearing needy. My conflicted feelings make me a bear to be around, much less want to engage romantically. Going to the doctor and taking care of my health, I see now, is truly a gift not only to myself but also to Carlin. It also helps keep our relationship juicy and hot.
There are six words that the media teaches men that we should always say to our partner. We’ve all heard them. First, the big three: "I love you." And the other big three: "I am sorry."
We’re told you can never say them enough. But most women have heard these words so much that they bear no meaning. Second, most of us use them as a way to placate our partners — not because they are truly heartfelt.
And third — they are words, not actions. My wife would much rather I demonstrated my love for her or my remorse when I’ve screwed up, rather than talking about it.
Instead, people who've been happily married forever say this old-fashioned phrase: 'Don’t worry, honey, I’ve got this.'
Hector Reyes / Unsplash
These words tell a different story. They say we’re facing some real challenges in our lives, but not only will we get through this together, but you can count on me to take care of the things that matter.
Instead of trying to give women superficial assurance that we love them and we’re sorry when we make a mistake, it would serve us all better if we listened to what women wanted. When I listened to Carlin — really listened — I came to understand that doing the everyday tasks around the house that she valued, not just the ones that I liked to do, and taking care of my health were the real turn-ons for our love life.
Jed Diamond is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D. in International Health and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He is the author of The Whole Man Program: Reinvigorating Your Body, Mind, and Spirit.
