If A Person Is Unhealthily Obsessed With Being In Love, These 7 Habits Usually Give It Away
Anna Pou | PixelsWho is at risk for love obsession? Intimacy therapist Dr. Alexandra Katehakis says, “People generally become love addicts due to a history of abandonment from their primary caregivers. Love addicts are usually recognized as children whose most precious needs for validation, love, and connection with one or both parents were not met. This affects their self-esteem dramatically in life. It results in a conscious fear of abandonment and an underlying subconscious fear of intimacy. To a love addict, intensity in a relationship is often mistaken for intimacy.”
If you feel like this might be you and are curious about the signs you're unhealthily obsessed or addicted to love, I’d like to address one mental habit that makes you “text him three times” when you intellectually know you need to let go and get out. You constantly think about, obsess about, or try to figure out the object of desire, even when you know it's no use.
If a person is unhealthily obsessed with being in love, these 7 habits usually give it away:
1. Denial of a partner's bad behavior
This sounds like: "I know that he cheated, but maybe he’ll change?" Or, "He says he loves me. I should just believe that, even though he’s critical and inconsistent, maybe if I just try harder, things will change."
The pull to believe his words without being blinded by his actions is one of the clearest signs that you're stuck.
"You wanted to believe him, to trust that he was faithful, to forgive him for neglecting you, letting you down, and disappointing you, because you felt his intentions were true. You thought that if you gave him some time and space, your relationship would improve and feel good again. You even rationalized that if he just told you the truth, you might get angry, but you could forgive and forget," explained psychotherapist Dr. Erica Goodstone, on denying or rationalizing a partner's terrib
2. Romanticizing toxic behaviors
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This sounds like: "It isn’t love unless it’s full of peril and passion," or, "He did take me out for my birthday that one time. It’s really hard for him to do things like that because he had a difficult childhood."
The addictive brain has selective memory and often tortures us by thinking about the “good times” in the relationship because there’s nothing so good as the volatile, unpredictable, inconsistent kind where you don’t feel entirely safe. That’s just Dopamine City.
The Antidote for Denial and Romanticizing: Write down all the bad times, sparing yourself no sad detail. This might seem like self-torture, but if you truly want out, sit down and write about every disappointing, painful, and even humiliating thing that occurred in the relationship and how it made you feel about yourself.
I have a client who discovered her fiancé was cheating on her. She contacted the woman he’d been with and asked her if she’d be willing to tell her every detail of what happened. The other woman was happy to comply, as she, too, had been duped into thinking she was the only one.
I know this is an extreme example of jumping into the mouth of the wolf, but it helped my client shed her denial and the romanticizing that kept her going back. Each time she thought about contacting him or replying to his texts and calls, she forced herself to reread his hurtful behavior and knew she deserved better than that.
3. Rationalizing or bargaining
This sounds like: "I can just see him one last time; I won’t get hooked again." Or, "I’ll just call him one more time to give him a piece of my mind."
The Antidote to Bargaining: Break down the cycle and learn how it ultimately feels when you give in to your addiction.
When you find yourself trying to justify going back (and I suspect this isn’t the first time), write down what the results of going back have been in the past. Do you see a pattern or repetitive cycle? If so, write down — in detail — how the pattern works, step by step.
It might be something like:
- He’s mean, critical, and maybe unfaithful.
- You finally have had enough and break up with him.
- He begs and begs and wants you back, saying he’s changed.
- You go back.
- The cycle repeats.
Sometimes seeing the scaffolding behind the facade of a relationship can help us stop bargaining with ourselves that things will be different this time; that he’ll be different, or you’ll be different. Because without a lot of time apart and individual work toward recovery, it will be the same.
4. Fearing being alone forever
This sounds like: "What if there’s nobody better out there?" Or, "I’m too old to start over," or giving in to a million more fears. Someone who is so fearful can be like this because of past trauma and learned behaviors, research from Harvard Medical School confirms.
"Around fifty percent of adults fall into the insecure attachment group. Insecure attachment is a relationship style learned in childhood between a child and parent, and the way you attach to your parent shapes the way you attach to your friends, lovers, and even God. The pain of insecure attachment can come up at unexpected times, and it doesn't take much for those of us with insecure attachment to feel a stab of overwhelming loneliness," explained therapist Dr. Michael W. Regier.
5. Justifying
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This sounds like: "I’m going to do a little detective work to see if he’s suffering as much as I am." Or, "I just want to see if he put his profile back up on J-Date." Or, "He wasn’t even that good-looking. I’m a lot more attractive than he is."
6. Having a victim mentality
This sounds like: "He told me I was the 'love of his life.' How could he treat me so badly?" Or, "How could he be so mean?" Or, "I never get the good guys." A victim mentality can look like having a hard time trusting others, blaming others, and not taking responsibility, studies say.
The Addictive Brain is very sneaky with these three. It gets our general anxiety ramped up — the way drug addicts feel anxious when they need a fix — and the only way to briefly relieve the anxiety is to connect with our love addiction object.
The antidote to Fear, Ego, and Victim Mentality: Mentally walk yourself through the process of the aftermath of giving in to these triggers.
I have a client who wants desperately to break free from her guy and is the one who initiated the breakup, based on his history of using her and cheating on her. She occasionally relapses and texts him due to fear she’ll be alone forever; the ego that wants to know if he’s suffering too, and the victim mentality that needs him to apologize for his cruel behavior, hopefully on his knees in abject misery.
So I walked her through the process of relapse. We discovered that she feels general anxiety building up when she hasn’t communicated with her object of love addiction for a day or two. The anxiety becomes acute, so she texts or calls, even though she intellectually doesn’t want to.
After she’s left the text or message, her anxiety is relieved. She can breathe again and feels much better until time passes, but he hasn’t responded. Then the anxiety begins to build again, only this time, it’s worse because he hasn’t responded, and the need for a fix is more powerful than before.
7. Isolating yourself
This is a big one. If we’ve spent all of our mental time thinking about our love addiction object, we rarely have any time, mental, or emotional space to nurture other healthy, supportive relationships with friends, family members, co-workers, or some kind of mental health community. This might seem like a healthy thing to do, but research shows it will only make you feel worse about yourself.
The antidote to Isolation: Connect, connect, connect
When you find yourself isolated in your addiction, get to recovery meetings. They can be 12-step or any type of recovery you feel comfortable with. But don’t think going to meetings should feel easy and comfortable at first; they might be initially scary. Get on your team and out of your comfort zone.
If you or someone you know is suffering from addiction, there are resources to get help. The process of recovery is not linear, but the first step to getting better is asking for help. For more information, referrals to local treatment facilities and support groups, and relevant links, visit SAMHSA’s website. Or you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-799-7233, which is a free 24/7 confidential information service in both English and Spanish. For TTY, or if you’re unable to speak safely, call 1-800-487-4889.
Shannon Bradley-Colleary is a writer of films, books, and several teenage/young adult journals. She is the author of To The Stars: A Novel.
