Couples Who Go To Bed At Different Times Are Way Happier For 7 Reasons
AlessandroBiascioli / ShutterstockEarlier this week, my partner slept until three in the afternoon. I'd been up since nine in the morning. On top of that, we went to sleep at different times.
When he came out of the bedroom, I greeted him with a smile and said, "Good morning," despite the late hour. Though his wake-up was particularly late that afternoon, this is how a typical morning looks for us. We both work from home 70% of the week, which means we can design our own schedules, and over nearly six years together, this is how we've chosen to spend our time.
But it's not been without resistance. Growing up, we all received messages about what a partnership is supposed to look like, and many of those images relied on a shared bedtime. Even when Lucy and Ricky were sleeping in separate twin beds, they were still pictured as going to sleep at the same time.
My partner and I do not go to bed at the same time. We haven't for nearly six years. This often means that we do not look like a typical couple. Sometimes people treat us and our union as immature (or on the rocks) simply because we do not sleep together, but that's not true. The way our culture defines a partnership has been changing, but we still seem stuck at that bedtime. So here's a short list of why going to bed at different times may actually be better for you and your relationship.
These are legitimate reasons couples who go to bed at different times are often happier than everyone else
1. Our brains may be designed that way
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I'm not a doctor, but Louann Brizendine is (a neuropsychiatrist, to be exact). And in her best-selling books about the male and female brains, she explores the ways our hormones influence our behavior.
In "The Male Brain," she devotes a few paragraphs to discussing sleep patterns, finding that testosterone receptors in a man's brain reset later at night, which causes him to wake later in the morning than his female counterparts. So your husband staying up late to play video games may not actually be entirely his fault. His hormones made him do it.
Brizendine has been criticized intensely for her work, effectively providing a "big, fat 262-page excuse" for men, but I don't think that's the whole story. Brizendine's books do not provide excuses, but merely explanations as to why it may be difficult for a couple to go to bed at the same time. Hormones are powerful forces that we cannot reason with, but we can change our behaviors and attitudes to the night-time departure and find new ways of being intimate other than sleep.
2. It improves intimacy
Being intimate is great and fun, no matter the relationship you're in (obviously), but breaking up your bedtime is a true test of your emotional and intimate strength because you no longer rely on a set time to be together.
Everyone sleeps, so there's always an opportunity for romantic action. But now that the shared bedtime is gone, you have to start getting creative. When I'm not there in the morning to wake up my partner with coffee and good morning (no matter the time), I leave him coffee and a note. He and I both make a point of not getting up too early or sleeping in too late to have a solid amount of waking time together and a solid amount of time sharing the bed at night.
Sleeping alone is easy for me, but waking up without him in the bed is hard. And while he is used to waking up alone, going to sleep without me there affects him just as much. We find moments and routines that work for us, and we fall in love from there.
3. Sleeping separately is more economical
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My partner and I started to sleep separately more regularly, partly because our jobs demanded it. As it turns out, we're not the only ones. Those who work shifts don't have stable bedtimes and don't always have the luxury of sleeping with their partner at night.
Instead of feeling bad about not having a shared bedtime, if you take that extra shift, take it. Make the money you need to support your coupling, but also make sure the other partner has the space and support to sleep. Get some blackout curtains, melatonin, and a quiet room in the house, and you'll feel just as supported as having your partner next to you at night, and you have the extra work to fall back on as well.
4. It makes you both more productive
Because I know that my partner sleeps later than I do, it means that I have three hours (roughly) to myself before he wakes up. So I use those three hours like a maniac and make sure to complete my most important tasks. When I go to sleep at night, he unwinds and allows his mind to relax, but until then, he motors through what he needs to do (especially if it's loud) because he knows I need to sleep.
Finding that rhythm takes time, and it becomes even more interesting when you have kids, but it's possible. The sun rising and setting does not signal productivity. Only your actions do. When I say good morning to my partner, in spite of the afternoon hour, I'm opening his day for productivity, like his saying goodnight to me is the signal to close for the day, even if the sun's been set for a while and he's not going to bed just yet.
5. It boosts creativity
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People never used to sleep eight hours straight. In fact, they used to wake up in the middle of the night, do something creative, and go back to bed.
There have been dozens of articles written on the benefits of too much or too little sleep and creativity, but what I think each one of these articles on broken sleep is getting at here is that alone time is necessary for creativity.
Waking up by yourself, maybe sipping coffee as you slowly wake up, helps your mind clear. You start to become imaginative. My best ideas come out in this way, while his tend to come out at night, since he's a nighthawk.
There is science to back this up as well, but the point is still the same. Taking time for yourself allows for creativity, but doing so during the day can be difficult. There is always something to do. But when the world, or that person who is your world, is asleep, everything seems possible. Going to sleep at the same time isn't bad or good, but merely incidental to the love that exists in a couple.
The last benefit of not sharing a bedtime, especially for my partner and me, is that when we finally do, it's still a new experience. It makes every vacation that much more special and each moment of waking together that much more like falling in love.
Evelyn Deshane is a writer whose work& has appeared in Plenitude Magazine, Briarpatch Magazine, Strange Horizons, Lackington's, and Bitch Magazine, among other publications.
