9 Things Bad Husbands Find Exhausting But Don’t Seem To Bother Good Ones At All
Pixel-Shot | ShutterstockStripping it down to brass tacks, a happy, healthy marriage requires two engaged partners. If a husband isn't willing to put in any effort, it doesn't matter how hard a wife tries. Instead of nurturing the relationship, bad husbands get exhausted by minor inconveniences.
Of course, a healthy marriage is subjective, because every couple and situation is different. However, there are still obvious warning signs and red flags to look out for that shouldn't be swept under the rug. Good husbands don't sweat the small stuff and understand that compromise and communication can't be ignored. Bad husbands never got that memo and are basically bothered by everything.
Things bad husbands find exhausting that good husbands don't even notice:
1. Boundaries
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Wives should never be shamed for expressing their needs and setting boundaries, especially since they’re the ones bearing the brunt of household tasks. However, good husbands are never exhausted by these conversations and boundaries. In fact, they help to maintain and celebrate them.
Instead of trying to make their partners feel guilty for advocating for themselves, they lean in. They appreciate where they can grow. They respect their partners. They do more than the bare minimum to make sure they feel supported.
2. Vulnerable conversations
Vulnerability is hard for someone who is uncomfortable with emotions. They never truly express who they are or what they’re feeling, creating a subtle resentment and lingering tension in all their relationships. For bad husbands, who are emotionally immature and insecure, vulnerability is exhausting.
For great, emotionally mature husbands, it’s healing. It bonds them closer to their partner and often feels like a weight off their shoulders because they have a safe space to express tough emotions they’ve been holding inside without judgment.
3. Inconveniencing themselves to help a partner
Does anyone really want to take out the garbage instead of relaxing? Of course not, but things need to get done, and a marriage is a partnership where spouses help each other even if they would rather be playing golf or reading.
If you’re committed to someone for life, you sign up to occasionally set your needs aside to show up for them when they really need you. It’s never a true 50/50 split.
However, bad husbands expect their wives to inconvenience themselves all the time, without ever going out of their way to support their needs. They’re completely dependent on wives coaxing their fragile egos, but rarely make the effort to support them even if it's simply unloading the dishwasher.
4. Accepting when a spouse needs time alone
The healthiest couples know that spending time alone is self-care. Especially when someone needs time to decompress or even reconnect with their interests and hobbies. Alone time adds value to the relationship, even when partners aren’t together,
However, bad husbands, who usually need their partners to meet their every need, require constant availability from their wives. They can’t manage when their partners need alone time, so they shame and blame them for asking for space.
5. Apologizing for anything
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Immature and insecure men find it impossible to own up to anything. They’re not going to apologize, because they need to protect their fragile ego.
Compared to a secure, supportive husband, who not only apologizes, but considers his partner’s feelings even when he doesn’t necessarily agree or believe he did something wrong, bad husbands drain everyone because they never hold themselves accountable.
6. Having arguments
For most people, the relief and connection that comes after a healthy conflict resolution or argument is essential to their health and well-being. It’s truly what bonds couples.
However, a checked-out husband who refuses to own up to his mistakes and to speak without getting defensive finds these moments exhausting. Of course he does. He’s in survival mode all the time. He would rather deflect than actually hear what his partner is upset about when what she needs is openness and understanding.
7. Basic household chores
While the average husband might not care to do household chores and labor, he’s not completely exhausted by it. He doesn’t create a pity party for himself or weaponize incompetence to make his wife pick up the slack. He knows she'd rather not do it either, but usually does the bulk of it anyway.
Self-centered husbands put their needs and wants first. That means he will ignore an overflowing hamper because he'd rather take a nap. Good husbands might not do as much as they should at home, but they try, and they certainly don't complain when their wives ask for help.
8. Active listening
If you’re trying to have a serious conversation with your husband and he seems entirely disengaged, it’s usually a sign that he doesn’t care. Yes, of course, everyone gets burned out and doesn’t have the energy to be fully present, but if this exhaustion tends to appear only when you need support, it’s a huge red flag.
A bad husband might ask you for help and support, but when the roles are reversed, he just doesn't have the time or inclination.
9. Saying ‘thank you’
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Gratitude is powerful and essential in all relationships. Not all husbands see it that way, however.
The bad ones might even avoid their partners when they’re doing something kind or picking up the slack. They distract themselves with screens when their healthy counterparts would express appreciation.
They simply lack the sense of self to appreciate others, because they need to be the center of attention and the main character of the relationship all the time.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
