Even Hot Guys Instantly Lose Their Appeal When They Do These 7 Things
Shane Cottle | UnsplashRelationships should be equal, but when it comes to dating (especially first dates), things are different. Dating is where men step up with sincerity and show their interest in someone. But some men either don't know or don't show that they understand or accept this concept.
Does that mean a man should put in all the effort to make a first date great? Hardly. A woman needs to do her part, but he should be leading the process. After interviewing and surveying 1,000 men and women about their first date experiences, here are the most common mistakes even hot men make that hurt a woman's attraction to them and make them lose their appeal fast.
Even hot guys lose their appeal when they do these 7 things:
1. Using an outdated picture on his dating profile
He might have looked great back in college, but that was 20 years ago. If he's still using that profile photo to attract women, ick. It's not that looks are everything, but they are part of the courtship/evaluation process. There needs to be a mental and physical connection that will help lead to an emotional connection as you get to know each other. He needs to have a more accurate dating profile, especially when more people are meeting their significant others on dating apps than anywhere else, according to statistics from The Pew Research Center.
Do this instead: Be honest and sincere. Maybe he needs to lose a few pounds or has imperfections here and there. But no one is perfect. She might not want to see all of him on the first date, but she will eventually want to see it, so keeping things honest is pretty important.
2. Showing up late
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Sometimes things happen — work, schedules, traffic, life, etc— but getting in touch to reschedule or cancel shows that you value someone else's time. Too often, however, first dates are a no-call/no-show, and unless there is an emergency, there's really no reason for it. It's just common courtesy.
Do this instead: Make a simple phone call and apologize for the delay. Not a last-minute text message canceling the date, but a phone call. It shows integrity and that she is worth more than a technology-based blow-off.
3. Making the conversation all about him
She wants to get to know him, and she also wants to share what makes her tick. But too often, men (and women) get caught up in talking about their resumes, jobs, incomes, and possessions. Not only is that not what makes up the person, but it also ends up creating a one-way conversation where you’re talking about yourself instead of sharing and imparting information.
Do this instead: Initiate thoughtful conversations that include ideas, events, news, things he's done, things he wants to do, and things that hold his interest. Not only will it break the ice, but it will also paint a picture of what he truly values, how he thinks, and how he spends his time.
4. Talking about his ex incessantly
If someone talks about their ex with a new dating prospect, chances are they aren't completely over the relationship. Unless you plan on bringing your ex with you into your new relationships, there's no reason to discuss them. On that note, a discussion about an ex who is also a joint parent of children is normal, but that's a conversation best had when things have moved past the dating phase.
Do this instead: Show interest in finding out more about her, without needing to compare everything happening to his past.
5. Responding to texts while on a date
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Responding to phone calls and/or text messages in the presence of your date shows how you are prioritizing your attention. If someone accepts a call or responds to a message, they are silently saying that those they are with are not as important as the messages they are receiving.
The reality: technology exists for our convenience, not our forced usage. There is nothing ruder than being in the company of others, but concentrating on other things while claiming it’s possible to multitask. It's not; it's rude, plain and simple.
What most phone-distracted daters don't realize is that the phone is stealing more than attention. "You miss all of the subtleties of communication," explained therapist Leslie Rouder. They're missing the small reactions like the glances that reveal the unspoken, emotional cues that nurture attraction.
Do this instead: If something is urgent or important enough to pull him away, he should excuse himself and take the call or deal with the situation. Otherwise, he should be in the moment, and both should put their phones away.
6. Being rude to the wait staff
Treating wait staff rudely is a major red flag. One survey even found that 60% of people believe treating waitstaff poorly to be a huge dating red flag. If he sees those in-service as beneath him, he is likely measuring people's worth and value on the wrong things. And oftentimes, that elitist attitude becomes a constant but silent accusation of, "Try as you might, you will never please me or make me happy… but keep trying."
Do this instead: She wants a man who will treat others, regardless of their job, income, mode of dress, possessions, or station in life, with mutual respect and kindness.
7. Expecting her to make all the plans
A man who leads, plans, and takes action is desirable, and she will respond if his actions are sincere. (And to those men who are shy and unsure: I get it. But just be authentic and put yourself out there; you'll find out right away if she's interested.)
Do this instead: For him to do his part in dating, he should make the plans and court her. She will do her part and make plans as well, but there’s nothing wrong with him making the moves and showing his interest first.
Dating is rooted in primal courtship rituals. To those men who don't act, your actions are being interpreted as disinterested. This isn't the case of "making a man chase a woman." It's about the primal drivers of a man leading a woman through the courtship process: interest, date, bedroom, etc. Bottom line: If a man wants a woman, he'll go after her, pure and simple.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.
