The Most Dangerously Toxic People Usually Have These 4 Gross Traits In Common
Lena Wagner | PexelsI know, I know; I’m not supposed to call people toxic. It’s not nice. But hear me out. On the macro level, I don’t believe people are inherently toxic. I believe they’re lost, insecure, and hurt. Research has suggested that part of the problem is feeling like they have lost a sense of control, which might cause them to exhibit negative behavior. Yet, on the macro level, seemingly toxic people need empathy, not hate.
To go back to the micro level, people can be extremely toxic, often without realizing it, and I’m beginning to experience this while interning at a hospital and working under high stress with several other people. I’m slowly learning the signs of a toxic human so I can keep my distance for my own mental health.
The most dangerously toxic people usually have these 4 gross traits in common:
1. The most dangerously toxic people stall your progress
There are two types of people:
- The type of people who like to be obstacles in other people’s journeys
- The type of people who help others advance in their journey
For instance, as a medical intern, I have to be on duty for long hours. But at the same time, I have to study for my postgraduate entrance exams. To that end, I often try to finish my hospital work as quickly as I can, and then I’ll ask my seniors if I can go study.
I’d say that’s a fair request, and any understanding senior should allow me to do it. And some do. Some even tell me to take a break and study instead of working without me asking. However, to my surprise, several don’t allow me to study. Instead, they’ll give me busy work or try to pawn off their work on me if they find I have free time.
Some people just want to be obstacles to other people’s goals and stall their progress. It’s not like I’m asking for time to go watch a movie; I’m asking for time to study so I can become a good doctor. And they should get that more than anyone else. They’ve been exactly where I am today.
Some people feel so insecure and powerless in their own lives that they chase a sense of power by being an obstacle to other people’s journeys. Research has explored how being in a position of power can create more emotional distance and can make some supervisors more likely to be abusive. When I find such a person, I know I’m going to suffer because of their toxicity, and that’s why I avoid such people. You should do the same.
2. They’re highly transactional
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I work at a hospital in India, and due to the heavy patient load, hospital working hours are unreasonable at best and inhumane at worst. Sometimes, we have to put in 100 hours of work per week at the hospital, and I’m not exaggerating. But we also have to live our lives.
We like to go to dinner with our friends. We like to go home to spend time with our families. And, at times, we have to ask our colleagues to cover for us so we can take some time off. In such instances, I’ve found some people are carefree. If I ask them to cover for me, they’ll do it without blinking an eye and not keep score. If they need me to cover for them someday, they might ask me to, but they’re not exactly transactional.
Other people are highly transactional. Asking them to cover for me is a headache in itself. If I ask them to cover, they keep score. They remember exactly how many hours extra they worked for me. They’ll subtly keep reminding me I owe them, and one day, they’re going to ask me to repay their favor. It’s not nice; ot’s toxic. I try my best not to deal with such people.
A study suggested that all relationships are transactional. Still, the amount of attention paid to keeping score has a lot to do with the ways personality changes depending on the type of relationship.
3. The most dangerously toxic people take out their frustration on you
Hospitals work on a strict chain of command. Every day, senior professors come for patient rounds. Then they give the residents a lot of work to be completed by the next day. At times, the residents might not complete the given tasks, and they’ll get scolded. This happens often, and their frustration bottles up.
Some deal with their frustration themselves; others take a more toxic route. They take it out on the interns, as we’re at the lowest position in the hospital food chain. The clinical term for this phenomenon is displacement. That’s when a person is angry at someone, but lashes out at someone else. Displacement is highly prevalent in a toxic person’s social interactions. If you find someone lashing out their frustration and anger at you when you don’t deserve it, stay away from them.
4. They make mountains out of molehills
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One of my co-interns was supposed to be off duty at 8 PM, but one of his seniors asked him to stay late and help prepare a presentation on PowerPoint because the senior was not good with computers. So the intern stayed late to help.
The next day, the intern was supposed to be on duty at 8 AM, but he woke up a little late and arrived at 8:30. The same senior he had helped lashed out at him for being late. Of course, being late is not good. Without punctuality, we are animals. However, life is not perfect. No matter how much you value punctuality, we are all late at times. And the intern had stayed late for the same guy who was now complaining.
His lashing out was not really about punctuality, even if he may claim so. Lashing out in such situations is simply a subconscious mechanism for insecure people to feel powerful, and this is not an isolated incident.
I’ve often seen people make mountains out of molehills. The minute they spot a little imperfection, they make a big deal out of it. Just so they can solidify their authority, or their sense of perfection. But in reality, research has shown this is an attempt to cover up their insecurities.
This kind of behavior is toxic, and you’re better off staying away from such people. This might have come off as a rant, and it is. My mental health is important to me, and I don’t want to give other people the right to dismiss it. That’s why I’m learning to quickly spot toxic behavior and stay away from such people.
But I don’t hate such people for their toxicity. Hating is also not good for my mental health. I’m simply aware of their toxicity. On the micro level, it’s best to maintain your distance. But that doesn't mean you should judge such people. They don’t deserve your hate in any way.
On the macro level, you must always remember that toxic people are often highly insecure and deeply miserable. After all, a truly happy person can never be toxic. That’s why you should always have empathy and love for such people while maintaining distance from them.
Harboring such conflicting feelings for a person is no easy task. Because if you find someone toxic, it’s much easier to hate them. Yet, if you decide to love such people, it’s much more difficult to stay away from them. Both these scenarios will take a toll on your mental health.
The ideal way to deal with toxic people is this: On the micro level, stay away from them, but on the macro level, love and empathize with them. After all, nothing is more important than your mental health.
Akshad Singi, M.D., is a writer whose work has been published in Better Humans, Mind Cafe, Medium, and more.
