People Who Prefer Depth Over Small Talk Usually Say 6 Phrases In Casual Conversation

Some people can make small talk when they need to, but that doesn't mean they enjoy it.

As a Gen Zer, I've noticed that small talk can sometimes feel like a lost art among younger people. I can do small talk when I need to, but I don't like it very much, yet I've realized that people who prefer deep conversations are often eager to talk when the subject gives them a chance to learn something real about another person. The phrases they use in casual conversation can indicate they'd prefer to talk about things with depth rather than to waste their time never getting past the surface.

Here are 6 phrases people who actually prefer deep conversations over small talk usually say:

1. 'How'd that make you feel?'

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People who prefer deeper conversations often spend a lot of time examining their own thoughts and feelings. They may ask how an experience made someone feel because they're interested in understanding that person's thoughts and emotional response.

Let's say someone's shooting the breeze about the warm weather outside. Someone who prefers depth versus small talk isn't just going to agree about how sunny it is. They may use the weather as a starting point before asking about the person's plans, mood, or something happening in their life. They genuinely feel things so deeply that small talk can feel too fast and hollow for them. 

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2. 'That reminds me of when I was younger.'

We've all come across people who just feel like old souls. People who prefer deeper conversations may bring up memories because personal stories give others a chance to relate and share their own experiences. In casual conversation, they'll usually say things like "reminds me of when I was younger" to invite people to share in fond memories.

Conversations can feel more substantial when people talk about their memories, childhood experiences, or times when they felt carefree. They're more comfortable diving deeper into these sacred times with people than they are interested in talking about random facts of the present that everyone can relate to.

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3. 'I've been setting a lot of goals lately.'

While the previous phrase looks back at the past, this one turns the conversation toward the future. People who prefer depth in conversation are usually enthusiastic about sharing what sorts of hopes, wishes, and dreams they have swimming in their heads, and the actionable steps they're taking to reach those goals.

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By saying this or something similar, they're opening the door for the other person to share their goals too. They want to know what kind of person you're aspiring to become, and how you're going to get there. This definitely helps to steer the conversation into deeper territory because it leads to discussion about motivations and our deepest desires.

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4. 'I've been thinking about something I saw on the news.'

If a person says this phrase in casual conversation, they're more interested in discussing complicated events and hearing other people's perspectives than exchanging local gossip. Obviously, not everyone is going to want to talk about these heavy subjects, especially if it's in the workplace. 

However, people who are especially sensitive to others' suffering may find watching the news emotionally exhausting. Seeing endless headlines, photos, and videos of devastation around the world can be overwhelming to deal with alone. If they truly feel like they just need to vent about a situation or they want to hear someone else's perspective on it, they're likely going to bring it up in casual conversation.

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5. 'How's [so-and-so] doing?'

People who prefer depth in conversation are generally highly engaged conversationalists who try their best to pay attention to the important details in other people's lives. It's not necessarily out of wanting to gossip or be nosy. They simply want to understand the people in someone else's life and hopefully create moments of kinship. 

Asking about important people in another person's life, or about anything meaningful they know is going on, is a great way to invite the person to share more about their thoughts and feelings. A surface-level conversation might stop after asking whether someone has children or is planning a wedding, but people who reach for depth are likely going to ask how your kids are doing or how the wedding planning is going. 

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6. 'I really enjoy talking to you.'

Last but not least, people who prefer depth over small talk are usually going to affirm to the other person that they enjoy spending time with them. They may be especially likely to say this after meeting someone who also enjoys personal, open conversations.

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I can't tell you how many times I've met someone who enjoys personal conversations (and who also dislikes small talk) and felt compelled to tell them how much I appreciate their openness. I'll usually tell them they're wonderful to be around and thank them for being so open with me.

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Luke Aliga is a writer with a degree in Technical Writing and Communication who covers relationships, culture, astrology, and human interest topics.