People Who Never Feel 100% Secure Usually Say 9 Phrases More Than They Realize
wavebreakmedia / ShutterstockWhen someone feels emotionally secure, they know they can be authentic without worrying about how others will react. Achieving that level of confidence isn’t possible for everyone, though.
Some people never feel a complete sense of security in themselves or others, and they tend to reveal that through the things they say without even thinking. Being at least temporarily insecure is fairly common, so chances are you can probably relate.
If someone doesn't feel 100% secure in themselves, they'll uually say these phrases way more often than they realize
1. ‘I’m sorry’
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Apologizing when it’s needed is a skill that a lot of people don’t have, but many people on the opposite side of the spectrum actually apologize more than they should.
This often happens because someone feels the need to offer what clinical psychologist Greg Chasson, PhD, ABPP, calls an anxious sorry. This kind of apology is supposed to reassure the person giving it, but it’s rarely effective.
It makes sense that someone who doesn’t feel secure would say they were sorry more frequently than they need to, as their lack of confidence makes them question everything they do, and they assume everyone else is doing the same thing.
2. ‘I think they’re talking about me’
Someone who feels pretty confident is likely to be aware that other people are paying way less attention to them than they actually think they are, and also be able to accept that it’s not the end of the world if they really are talking about them.
That’s not possible for people who aren’t completely secure. They’re more susceptible to experiencing what psychologists call the spotlight effect, which is when someone thinks everyone is focused on them. Even though this isn’t accurate, it’s hard for someone who feels this way to understand that they don’t need to worry about it.
3. ‘Are you sure?’
It’s normal for everyone to ask the people they care about for reassurance sometimes, even if they feel pretty secure. Someone who does this on an unhealthy level is dealing with deep insecurity and anxiety, though.
Someone with super low confidence doesn't usually have the ability to tell themselves everything is OK, so they rely on a toxic amount of external validation. That can be dangerous because it leaves them even more vulnerable to being influenced by people who might not want the best for them.
4. ‘You’re just saying that’
Compliments can put anyone in an awkward situation, but it’s especially tricky for people who feel less secure. Part of accepting a compliment is believing that the person who gave it is being truthful, which is hard when you don’t see yourself that way.
So, instead of just taking kind words at face value, they’ll try to shrug them off. They really do think the other person is just being nice because they can’t imagine someone thinking of them like that.
5. ‘Are you mad at me?’
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People who are dealing with a high level of insecurity tend to think that others are mad at them when they don’t respond right away or in the way they expected. It’s hardly ever true, but they still need to hear them say it themselves so they can be sure.
Sometimes it feels like this question comes out of the blue and it catches the other person off guard because they have no reason to be upset. Anyone who’s used to not being validated in the way they need to be might wonder if there’s something they’re missing, though.
6. ‘It’s not a big deal’
There are a few different ways a person who doesn’t feel secure might use this kind of phrase. The first is when they achieve something big, and the second is when they overcome obstacles.
Both situations mean they’re downplaying something, which is a form of self-deprecation. People tend to do this when they want to seem humble, but it can unintentionally have a negative impact on their self-esteem. In other words, someone who says this is probably already struggling with their confidence, and it’s only going to get worse because they don’t know how else to respond.
7. ‘I don’t care’
Sometimes when someone says they don’t care about something, it’s pretty obvious that they really do. This is a hallmark of insecure people because they don’t have enough confidence to admit how much something actually means to them.
Doing this is a way to put up a wall to hide how much it hurts them. And while it might feel like a solid defense mechanism in the moment, it’s usually pretty easy to see through. It's generally more helpful to let people know when you need support, but unfortunately, they probably keep their circle pretty small and don't ask for help often because that feels safer.
8. ‘I don’t want to bother you’
It’s not easy for anyone to ask for help in a world that prizes self-reliance so much. For people who don’t have a lot of confidence, there’s an added layer. They truly feel like they’re putting an unnecessary burden on others when they need a favor.
The truth is that most people are actually happy to help someone else out when they need it. It’s just that person’s own worries that are holding them back. This could make them feel like they need to make everything harder than it has to be because they don’t want to drag someone else into the problem.
9. ‘I just can’t do anything right’
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Anyone who’s dealing with a lot of stress or who doesn’t believe in themselves is more likely to struggle with that feeling of doing everything wrong, no matter how hard they try. Combining these two problems can make this feel totally overwhelming.
People who don’t feel secure also don’t feel good about themselves, so it follows that they wouldn’t think they can be successful. This is about more than just their self-esteem, though. It creates a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy so that they really can’t do the things they’re completely capable of.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
