12 Rare Signs Of People With High-Conflict Personalities Who Don’t Realize They’re The Problem
Jessica Christian | UnsplashThe other day, I was at the store when I witnessed a woman make a scene over something insanely foolish. She called over someone behind the counter and squawked, “Can I talk to your manager?”
The manager, a poor teenage boy, came to the front and asked her what was wrong.
“The price of this fish is not acceptable. I want it lowered,” she said, in full seriousness.
“The price can’t be negotiated. It’s store policy, ma’am,” he said apologetically.
“Don’t ‘ma’am’ me. You’re insinuating I’m old. Who do you think you are? You overcharge for fish, and now you insult your customers?” she said, raising her voice.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t change the prices. It’s corporate policy,” he said, gesturing for her to keep her voice down.
“Well, do something, right now, before I call corporate,” she barked.
The dude looked like he was about to cry. At this point, a guy had to step in and tell her that she could go to another store if the prices were so unacceptable. She huffed, turned beet red, and left, her cart still in the aisle. People around us exchanged glances uncomfortably. This is what a high-conflict personality can look like.
Some people seem to carry conflict with them wherever they go. But what makes high-conflict personalities so tricky is that they rarely see themselves as the source of the problem. Instead, they feel misunderstood or wronged, which keeps the cycle going. Once you know what to look for, though, the patterns become hard to miss.
Here are 12 rare signs of people with high-conflict personalities who don’t realize they’re the problem:
1. People with high-conflict personalities pick fights for no good reason
Drazen Zigic via Shutterstock
Stop doing this. No one wants to be around people who pick fights with them. If you know you’re doing this, you already probably have a suspicion that you might have a high-conflict personality. This should be confirmation for you. If there’s a chance you may have a high-conflict personality, you might need to look for professional help to have normal relationships.
Plus, their love of getting into fights isn’t about anything good; it’s about winning. This is really what it boils down to for a lot of people who have this personality issue. There are plenty of healthier, kinder ways to feel the thrill of winning. Have you tried racing? Boxing? Muay Thai? You can win without alienating people.
Research has shown that high-conflict people (HCPs) have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. Someone with a high-conflict personality isn't popular, even if they believe they are. No one wants to be around a bully who will browbeat them until they get their way. The way most people deal with HCPs is to roll over and avoid them.
2. Their friendships are short-lived
The problem with being a high-conflict person is that your friendships suffer because your friends will eventually be worried about your wrath. The result is, after a fight (or ten), people end up distancing themselves from you.
A lot of high-conflict personalities know there’s something wrong with the way they handle problems. They may think it’s just an anger issue, or they are constantly wronged by society.
Clinical social worker Bill Eddy pointed out, "It’s important to note that many people with personality disorders are not HCPs, which means that they do not have targets of blame whom they attack or purposely injure. But if you see someone with a high-conflict personality, the fact that they also have traits of a personality disorder means that they are unlikely to have insight into their own behavior and unlikely to change."
3. People with high-conflict personalities act like they're in charge of everyone else
If you are a high-conflict personality who is socially adept, you might end up turning into a real-life Regina George. In these cases, you may have a stranglehold on your friends, but you definitely don’t have real friends. After all, real friends don’t fear one another, use each other, or feel like they can’t be real with one another.
4. They bully people
Though it’s somewhat rare, there are people out there who will call out high-conflict personalities for their bad behavior. If you regularly have both men and women call you a bully, tell you that your behavior is uncalled for, or tell you that you’re really aggressive, you need to take a good look at yourself.
Life coach Judy Helm Wright explained, "Bullying is not strictly a behavior of the young, and not all bullying involves fighting. Bullying, in all forms, is an attempt to steal power from someone else, thus empowering the bully. There is no single reason why some people attempt to take advantage of others, but those who intimidate and manipulate often use aggressive tactics."
5. They've been banned from restaurants, bars, salons, or grocery stores
Zamrznuti tonovi via Shutterstock
Generally speaking, these are places you can only really get banned from if you make a scene, start a physical fight, or do some really atrocious stuff. If you have been banned from several places, you definitely need to rethink the way you do things.
Some communities have laws that allow authorities to ban 'undesirable' people from public areas. Practices have shifted from punishing specific bad actions to punishing people simply for being present. While some argue these measures aim to improve safety and public spaces, others claim they target vulnerable groups," suggested studies of criminal justice and social democracy.
6. People with high-conflict personalities tend to overreact to little things
Pushing a shopping cart an inch away from you or walking too slowly can set you off. At this point, you are trying to just actively ruin someone’s day, lack self-awareness, or are looking to pick a fight. Stop being a jerk and check yourself.
People who have high-conflict personalities actively go out of their way to bully, browbeat, and pick fights with others, often because it makes them feel better about themselves. If you notice any of these signs, you may want to think about how you’re living life and the impact your love of conflict can leave on friends, family, and loved ones.
7. They expect preferential treatment
And if you aren't, you bully others if they don’t bend to your wishes. Researchers have suggested this is also a sign you may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but the fact is that it also tends to coincide with high-conflict personalities, too. The study also explained how NPD is a treatable condition rather than a hopeless one, provided treatment focuses on the underlying relational and emotional struggles.
8. They are estranged from family
If it’s gotten to the point that your own family no longer wants to speak to you, a high-conflict personality is only the tip of the iceberg. This is one of those points in your life where you need to take a step back and look at yourself, what you did, and why you did it. Otherwise, you won’t have anyone left to turn to.
9. People with high-conflict personalities fly into a rage
If it gets to the point that people actually say you’re famous for your temper or your aggression, chances are it’s a problem you need to confront. Being a hothead isn’t cool, no matter what you think you get out of it.
Counselor Kris Henderson cautioned, "If anger and rage are significantly impacting your social, occupational, or other areas of functional life, it’s probably time to seek out help. Your rage may be due to an underlying mental health condition. Once you figure out the cause, you can better find a solution so you can focus on being happy more often than being full of anger."
Difficulties as a result of your arguments, threats, and temper could be a sign that you have anger problems, a personality disorder, or a very conflict-prone personality. Either way, it’s something that should tell you that you might need professional help.
Research has explored how people with a conflict-prone personality experience more intense and rapidly changing anger than others, which often leads to outbursts. The study showed a strong link between volatile emotions and aggressive actions. When feeling highly unstable and intensely angry, they were more likely to act out aggressively.
10. They don't play well with others
MDV Edwards via Shutterstock
Other people say they "don’t know how you’d get along with their friend." Though there could be other reasons for this, one of the most common reasons people would be so worried about introducing you to others is because they’re worried you’ll start arguing with their friends. Needless to say, high-conflict personalities tend to have a hard time networking and making and keeping friends as a result.
11. People with high-conflict personalities rarely take responsibility for their own problems
Nothing is ever your fault, and the world is out to get you, so you feel like you must get them first. You blame others for your troubles and make them pay for it, even though your troubles are all on you. You also always see arguments as personal attacks and will aggressively blame others.
12. They believe life is black and white
When high-conflict people set their minds on something, they can only have that one outcome happen, or all their rage breaks loose. If you can't accept anything other than one outcome, you're making it difficult for people to engage with you.
Are you a high-conflict personality? Based on the list above, if you have any of the signs mentioned, you may have a high-conflict personality. In reality, if you notice people not wanting to be around you or trying to avoid being in your presence, you may want to check yourself.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey, whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.
