11 Signs Someone Is Deeply Lonely That Are Often Dismissed As Selfish And Lazy

Humans are social creatures. It's literally part of our genetic code at this point in our evolution as a species. That's why, when someone is deeply lonely, they may seem off-putting, as if they are selfish or lazy. But most of the time, lonely people didn't choose their isolation.

Instead, isolation creeps up on us the way a shadow gets longer as the sun moves lower through the sky. You know it's getting cooler, but you don't fully realize why until it's dark. So, if you or someone you know shows these signs, it's possible they're struggling with loneliness, and may not even realize it yet.

11 signs someone is deeply lonely that are often dismissed as selfish and lazy

1. They prefer sleeping over socializing

Lonely woman looking at her phone on the couch Stock Unit | Shutterstock

While it may seem like the person prefers sleeping over socializing or even going to work, it's possible that their loneliness is taking over, causing or contributing to pretty serious depression. Oversleeping or sleeping more than usual can be a symptom of depression and similar mental health concerns, according to the Cleveland Clinic.

Another study published in Psychiatry Research also links isolation and feelings of loneliness to insomnia and a lack of quality sleep in adults.

Despite their tendency to sleep more, including more naps due to emotional exhaustion and time during the day, lonely adults often get less restorative sleep. This becomes a self-perpetuating cycle, keeping them tired, disengaged and lonelier than ever.

2. They’re painfully perfectionistic

Man who looks deeply lonely on his couch with hands to face SB Arts Media | Shutterstock

Why does it sometimes seem like lonely people hold themselves to impossibly high standards? Well, it's hard to know which one came first, but when you expect yourself to be perfect all the time, it's easy to start feeling depressed and even unworthy of friendship or love when you don't meet that standard.

According to a study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, loneliness tends to spark not just depressive symptoms but also feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem. This negative self-perception seeps into lonely people’s daily lives, keeping them from seeking out social connections and feeding into healthy habits that promote confidence and introspection.

This insecurity and low self-esteem isn’t just an internal emotional struggle; it can negatively affect relationships, as well. Their friends and family might see them as self-obsessed, when what they really feel is loneliness and likely depression.

3. They don’t respond to texts or reach out

Woman sitting alone and looking sad down at her cell phone DimaBerlin | Shutterstock

Not to be flippant, but being lonely is hard and depressing. Repressed emotions and internal turmoil build up over time without an outlet for seeking support or help from relationships. Lonely people tend to sleep more, withdraw from relationships, and fail to show up for the people in their lives. T

his may seem selfish or even lazy, but it's likely just another sign someone is deeply lonely.

According to the Mayo Clinic, people experiencing isolation tend to grow even more emotionally unavailable in their relationships. While this might be subtle to the people in their lives at first, it’s incredibly difficult for them to overcome.

By continuing to reach out and giving them grace when they miss a call or an event, the people closest to someone whose struggles can encourage them to return slowly without judgment or criticism.

4. They struggle to concentrate or focus

Lonely man struggling to concentrate on his laptop Kateryna Onyshchuk | Shutterstock

If you notice a family member or a coworker struggling to remember simple details or focus on specific tasks, it might feel like they're selfish and don't care enough to remember what you've said. But it might just be that they're lonely, distracted by their sadness, and struggling to focus.

According to a study, people experiencing loneliness have higher rates of concentration and memory difficulties than their socially connected counterparts. As it turns out, loneliness can also manifest with other physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, and more serious long-term illnesses.

5. They’re gaining weight

Lonely woman looking in a mirror sadly New Africa | Shutterstock

First, let's get clear that weight gain isn't always associated with a change in someone's habit and is not directly reflective of someone's health. We need to say that up front, because of how society reacts to people who are overweight, assuming they're lazy. That's a harmful stereotype and doesn't help anyone.

While some studies connect weight gain to happiness and comfort in healthy relationships, gaining weight can be a subtle sign someone in your life is deeply lonely. An article published by the Cleveland Clinic argues that stress-induced cortisol hormones, which often contribute to weight gain, can increase in lonely people without social connections and healthy relationships.

Along with the presence of other unsettling signs of loneliness, this appearance-based change can also clue close friends and family into a person’s emotional and social struggles.

6. They overanalyze simple social interactions

Lonely man struggling to pay attention to a friend over coffee SynthEx | Shutterstock

People with low self-esteem that's been sparked by loneliness tend to struggle with social interactions and conversations. They overanalyze other people’s body language, language, and general energy.

That means that, instead of actively listening and being present during conversations, they withdraw to avoid criticism or judgment.

According to a study published in Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, this tendency towards rumination and overanalyzing simple interactions is a coping mechanism for internal distress and anxiety. This can make it hard for lonely people to connect with others in the present moment, sparking a cycle of isolation and loneliness.

7. They over-prioritize their alone time

Lonely woman stares out a window alone on a couch Perfect Wave | Shutterstock

While experts like Kendra Cherry suggest that there are emotional and social benefits to prioritizing healthy amounts of alone time to reflect and recharge, many lonely people over-prioritize their need for alone time.

Often fueled by avoidant attachment styles and anxiety over social interactions, lonely people often insist they prefer to be alone. Sometimes, however, it's the last thing they need.

While every relationship runs into uncomfortable conversations, this avoidance only feeds into the low self-esteem and anxiety lonely people experience. Without open communication and support from the people in their lives, they only add to their emotional distress with unresolved and repressed emotions.

8. They apologize too much

Lonely woman staring at her phone PeopleImages | Shutterstock

According to clinical psychologist Gregory Chasson, over-apologizing is an anxious tendency that many lonely and disconnected people feel they need to use in their daily interactions. Because they're not spending a ton of time with others, they may forget what it's like to be emotionally present, and think their feelings are a burden.

In reality, nobody wants to hear apologies for things that weren't actually wrong to do in the first place. It's uncomfortable and can make the person appear desperate for approval. It might also seem like they are using their apologies to selfishly control a conversation, which will only push people further away and cause more loneliness.

9. They use self-deprecating humor

Lonely woman typing into a phone and looking intense Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock

Humor can be a helpful tool for navigating complex life changes and events, according to the National Alliance of Mental Illness. Still, when it’s overly relied upon or used in an overly self-deprecating way, it can be a rather toxic coping mechanism for avoiding communication about how you truly feel.

By putting themselves down for the sake of a laugh, especially in conversations with others, lonely people further isolate themselves and avoid expressing their emotions, creating internal distress in their lives. Worse, it can come off as a lazy way to try to get compliments from others, which can be a big turn-off.

More for You:

3 Things People Immediately Judge You On When You First Meet Them

5 Immediate Signs Of A Toxic, Passive-Aggressive Person

11 Subtle Signs Of A Woman Who Has Been Through A Lot In Life

11 Traits Of An Introverted Intuitive, The Rarest & Most Intelligent Personality

10. They struggle with vulnerability

Lonely woman crying to a friend who is comforting her in a kitchen Antoniodiaz | Shutterstock

It takes practice to build up the courage to be vulnerable in your interactions and relationships. It's not easy for anyone, especially when they've been hurt. In some ways, it feels easier to live alone forever and never take the risk.

To others, this may seem like selfishness. They look at the lonely person and assume they don't want others around because they don't want to share space or do the hard work of caring for one another in an intimate and loving way. In reality, as we've learned in this list, loneliness can be self-perpetuating, and this is just one more way.

According to a study published by the American Public Health Association, there are some specific increased health risks for people who are more isolated, especially when living alone. And, these days, with the multi-generational household becoming less common, more people are living alone and at-risk in this way.

When there’s open space for uncomfortable conversation and emotions, lonely people can attempt to share without judgment and start working through why they're so much more comfortable on their own. Some people thrive like this, others may be stuck in a loneliness cycle.

11. They over-work

Lonely woman working all alone in the office in the dark Ground Picture | Shutterstock

Many lonely people find comfort in working long hours or overtime to avoid social connection and uncomfortable feelings of isolation at home. While productivity and work projects might be a method of escapism and distraction, they can lead to increased risks for cardiovascular disease, anxiety, depression, fatigue, and overwhelming stress, according to a study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.

If you’re noticing a friend or family member actively seeking more work or projects, it might be easy to dismiss their behavior as selfish and assume they want more money or they don't care who the alienate with all their work. But consider reminding them that you value their company and create space for them to show up, it just might be the breakthrough the needed.

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.