9 Simple Questions People Who Want More Out Of Life Ask Themselves When They Feel Unfulfilled
Dean Drobot | CanvaWhen you feel unfulfilled, it's easy to assume you need to blow up your whole life and start over. Maybe your job feels wrong, your relationship feels stuck, your routine feels draining, or you just keep asking yourself, "Is this really it?" That doesn't always mean everything is broken, but it does mean something inside you is asking for more honesty.
People who want more out of life start by asking themselves simple questions that help them separate fear from truth, outside pressure from personal desire, and temporary frustration from a real need for change. Before you make a major decision, these questions can help you figure out what you actually want and whether it's time to stay put or move in a new direction.
Here are 9 simple questions people who want more out of life ask themselves when they feel unfulfilled:
1. 'Am I making this change because I truly want to, or because I feel like I should?'
This can be a biggie if you've had the voice of your parents, your high school counselor, or (fill in the blank) in your head telling you what they believe your best prospects are. A 2009 study on intrinsic life goals and well-being found that people tend to feel more fulfilled when their goals are based on personal growth and inner values rather than on external pressure or the need to seek approval.
Do you want to lead your life according to someone else's expectations, or embrace your unique path? Make sure you're not "should-ing" on yourself here.
2. 'How does my body feel when I picture this new life, work, or direction?'
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Sometimes your brain can work overtime when you're faced with a big decision. Considering the practical issues is certainly important, but don't succumb to "analysis paralysis."
Step back and listen to your body's wisdom. Do you feel sick in the gut when you consider this next move? Or do you feel a spontaneous smile breaking out, and your heart expanding? Your body may be giving you information your mind hasn't caught up with yet.
3. 'Does this change fit with my long-term goals?'
If you've never sat down and come up with a five-year or ten-year plan, now would be a good time. Research on goal-setting from 2002 found that people who set clear, long-term goals tend to stay more motivated and make better decisions over time. There are plenty of books and websites that can take you through a process to help you articulate your future vision.
But really, just try tapping into your imagination and ask yourself where you'd like to be in five, ten, or even twenty years from now. You're certainly allowed to change direction at any point as life unfolds, but it helps to start with some idea of the destination and milestones along the way.
4. 'Does this change match my core values?'
Your values are your fundamental beliefs, your deeply held ideas about how you want to be in the world. Research from 2000 even found that people who make choices aligned with their core internal values often feel happier and more balanced than those driven mainly by external rewards.
Values guide your behavior and, like defining your goals, are a key factor when you're faced with making a big life decision. You can find lots of value listings online and use your intuition to pick the ones that most resonate with you.
5. 'How long have I wanted to make this change?'
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If you've just read an amazing book or finished a life-altering self-discovery workshop last weekend that revealed your "true self," that's terrific. Just take time to consider these other simple questions to be sure you're not operating on a temporary high.
Another good exercise is to look at what you wanted to do when you were younger, but put it on a shelf because it wasn't practical or convenient. In her book, Now What: 90 Days to a New Life Direction, author and life coach Laura Berman Fortgang calls these "interrupted dreams," and they can be powerful indicators of your core values.
6. 'What will actually be different in my life if I make this change?'
Another way to think about this question is to ask what you'd gain or lose if you take this step. Research on affective forecasting found that people often overestimate how intense and long-lasting the emotional impact of major life changes will be, which is why it's so important to think through the real, day-to-day differences ahead of time.
Take time to consider what you'll be leaving behind, both what you'd be happy about and what you'd miss. Doing this assessment before you make your change, so you can be prepared for the "Holy cow … what have I done?!" moments on the other side, is incredibly important.
7. 'Do the benefits of this change outweigh the risks?'
This is the logical next question. That's where the pros and cons checklist comes in. Get specific and realistic — you'll have a fabulous new job, but the pay may be lower. You'll finally be out of your unsatisfying relationship, but you have to negotiate the singles scene again.
Then, broaden your perspective and tune back in to your body. Is there a sparkle of anticipation or excitement as you consider the risks? Or is the overwhelming feeling one of dread and heaviness in the pit of your stomach? You'll have a better chance of success on your new path if your gut, your mind, and your values are all on board.
8. 'Will I be glad I made this change ten years from now?'
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Here's where you want to call on your "wise self." Life balance expert Renee Trudeau describes this as "Your soul, your intuition, or a higher power that's always waiting and ready to respond with wisdom and deep compassion."
Imagine that older, wiser self is writing a letter to you. Where might you be at that future point in your life as a result of the decisions you're making now? What would they say to you about your choices? Let go and write down whatever comes to you, without judgment or self-criticism.
9. 'What happens if I do nothing?'
After all of this, there's a real possibility that staying right where you are is the best decision you can make at this moment. Maybe it's just not the right time, but you have more clarity on what you can do to prepare when you do get moving.
Or maybe you've discovered through this process that an attitude adjustment is in order. What could you do differently to make your present situation more manageable, even enjoyable?
Do you need to set stronger boundaries or make some specific requests of your boss or partner? Sometimes you can turn your life around by staying in the same place and pivoting your inner conversation and intentions.
Whether you decide you want more out of life or feel unfulfilled, you'll want to take time to ask these simple questions before you leap. Carve out space for yourself and ask your wise self to join you, and remember that voice is always there; it just needs an invitation and a little less noise to be heard.
Deborah Roth is a career/life transition coach, relationship coach, and interfaith minister with over 35 years of experience coaching, training, and speaking.
