If Someone Always Tries To Keep Everyone Happy, Be Careful Trusting Them For These 7 Reasons
Mikhail Nilov | CanvaWhat's the danger of always trying to make everyone happy? You might think of people who say yes and offer to take up the slack as kind and trustworthy. In general, that's likely an accurate assessment, especially within a moment. But what if they never say no, even when no is the answer you need to hear?
Whether you're dealing with a people pleaser or think you might be one yourself, it's important to realize the detrimental impacts associated with unconditionally agreeing. It damages the trust of both the pleaser and everyone they are trying to keep happy.
Despite having a generally persistent good-natured manner, inconsistencies between their intent and delivery can ultimately wear down your trust and spoil the relationship. People-pleasers don't intend harm; it's just their stronger need to make everyone happy overrides other inclinations.
If someone always tries to keep everyone happy, be careful trusting them for these reasons:
1. They tend to agree even when they actually disagree
Unfortunately, you won't know when their agreement masks their true ulterior thoughts, feelings, and opinions. In essence, their behavior truncates two-way communication and connection. Furthermore, you may find the pleaser doesn't follow through on your agreement, perhaps causing embarrassing or harmful consequences for you.
2. They offer to help but bail when they don't have enough time
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Pleasers are less likely to ask for help themselves. Consequently, they're less inclined to remedy the situation. This creates a situation of unhealthy helping.
"Healthy helping, as opposed to unhealthy helping, promotes other people's growth and independence," Professor of psychology Dr. Shawn M. Burn, Ph.D., advised. "Unhealthy, dysfunctional helping does the opposite. Helping that perpetuates one's own suffering can add a martyr complex to the situation, which benefits no one and betrays the trust of those being helped."
3. They try to please everyone and be everyone's ally
However, this outlook and behavior make it impossible for them to act as anyone's true and trusted ally. Dr Burn added, "When you're giving too much of yourself, it can become a one-sided arrangement. The closeness is based on one person being a giver and the other an under-functioning taker.
Much of the love in the relationship is experienced in the context of one person's distress or poor functioning, and the other's rescuing or enabling. Or the relationship is mostly about one person's excessive giving and the other person's excessive taking."
4. They refuse to acknowledge their own needs or difficulties
The biggest problem with being a people pleaser is that people pleasers say yes even when they really want to say no. They'll say yes, even when a no could prevent them from doing something that's not in their best interest. It could be something unpleasant or even hurtful. As a consequence, they may ultimately surprise you with accusations of not caring about or appreciating them.
5. They apologize and take responsibility for other people's moods and feelings
For whatever goes wrong, this just makes meaningful discourse and discussion even more unclear. Psychologist Dr. Leda Kaveh suggested asking, "What's the source of this frustration? What are they trying to get out of you? It’s helpful to take a step back and look at the entire situation rather than just focusing on one particular instance. You could even talk it over with close friends and family. They might have some insight into what's really going on for this person."
6. They confuse their sensitivity and need for reassurance with empathy
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They believe they have a professed heightened capacity for empathy or even an empathetic nature. And, oftentimes, this is associated with a strong need for recognition and appreciation. It can also act as a barrier to frank, honest communication and attention to your needs.
Psychologist Dr. Esmarilda Dankaert, Ph.D., explained, "At its core, people-pleasing is a form of self-abandonment, a learned coping mechanism rooted in the need for acceptance, love, and safety. It is the act of suppressing your own needs, emotions, and values to accommodate others. It is the quiet betrayal of oneself, where personal integrity and well-being are sacrificed in exchange for validation, approval, love, or, more often than not, a sense of safety. In essence, it is the act of living by someone else’s expectations at the expense of your own authenticity."
7. They struggle to be genuine
People pleasers struggle with their genuine intention to provide honest impressions and feedback, while compulsively attending to their need to please and placate. As a consequence, their dialogue and messages can become muddled.
Your efforts to gain clarity will likely be gracefully and masterfully thwarted. You might sense a tentativeness or disingenuousness in the pleaser. This is bound to erode trust and sever the connection.
There are dangers to being a people pleaser who's always trying to keep everyone happy.Along with the inability to say "no," there are additional dangers and downsides to being a people pleaser. These often come at the expense of one's mental health:
- Feelings of not being good enough
- Inability to form real connections with others
- Prioritizing the needs of others
- Suppressing emotions
- Inability to set proper boundaries
- Low self-esteem
- Loneliness
- Stress, tiredness, exhaustion, and anxiety
- Increased likelihood of being taken advantage of
- Self-doubt and fear of rejection or failure
- Inability to be your authentic self
- Resentment
- Loss of identity
What can you do to help yourself and the people pleaser?
If you want to confront a people pleaser, the best and most constructive way is with compassion and honesty that recognizes they deal with self-shame. They may have caused you to suffer in some way, but more than likely, it was unintentional. Besides, they are more apt to respond to a clear, constructive, compassionate dialogue concerning what you need from them rather than admonishment of their behaviors.
Psychologist Michael W. Regier, Ph.D., advised, "You might think that someone who struggles with shame would have more compassion for others in need, but the opposite is usually true. It's hard not to judge others when we are judging ourselves. Compassion requires freedom from judgment, so compassionate people avoid labeling others as good or bad."
Help them appreciate how their choices hurt both you and them. Remember, they act as they do because of weak self-esteem and self-worth. Offer them support, information, and resources. For some people, the compulsion to please becomes dysfunctional. In these cases, it's best to seek treatment from a therapist.
Dr. Patricia Bonnard, PhD, ACC, is a certified International Coaching Federation (ICF) Leadership Coach and a certified Martha Beck Life Coach.
