You Can Tell How Insecure Someone Is By 9 Things They Care About Way Too Much
Inside Creative House | ShutterstockWe've all been impacted insecurity, whether in a bad relationship or our own self-esteem. It's no fun to feel inadequate.
Most of the time, feelings of lack and shame are cerebral, popping up in our alone time during introspection. However, when a person is deeply insecure, you can tell by the things they usually focus on.
When someone is insecure, they care way too much about these things
1. Closeness with others
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Have you ever been with a new friend or potential partner who's desperately trying to build closeness way too quickly? Sometimes, it feels good in ways that love-bombing can, but most of the time, there's a nagging feeling that something isn't quite right.
Despite not building trust with someone or investing in a foundation of communication, insecure people try to rush into deep relationships without doing any of the work. They skip the most important step and dive into vulnerability without filters.
They pressure closeness without building trust first. They care too much about proving they can have deep, meaningful relationships and quality time with someone without actually putting in effort to build them. They come on strong, oversharing and overstepping boundaries, all to cope with feeling unsure and inadequate.
2. Access to other people
Many insecure people struggle with the in-between stages of relationships and experiences. They don't like uncertainty because they don't know how to regulate their emotions or cultivate a feeling of internal safety without the reassurance of someone else.
Sometimes, that means they assume access to other people and overstep boundaries. Other times, they're clearly just trying to get close to anyone for the validation they need to feel normal. They care so much about how other people perceive them, so they need as much access as they can get.
3. Giving unsolicited advice
Insecure individuals may project without realizing it, making the people in their lives feel worse about themselves for wanting more. From higher education to putting themselves up for a promotion, they can't handle it when their loved ones pursue grander dreams and goals.
That's why they care about unsolicited advice, like "college is a waste of your money" or "that's a stupid thing to do." They need to convince people to stay stagnant so they can feel better about where they are, even if it's subconscious. Not only does this unsolicited advice cause all kinds of stress, but it also makes people feel invalidated.
Nobody wants to feel silly for talking about goals or invalidated for wanting more. They want to be supported, which is why we often associate toxic behavior with insecurity.
4. Monitoring other people's choices
Many insecure individuals are the most controlling friends, partners or parents, because monitoring choices and behaviors gives them a false sense of security. They need more information about others because they can't cope with not knowing.
Even in casual small talk, it's the most insecure people who constantly check in on how others feel about them. They ask "Are you mad at me?" or "Was that weird?" to get a gut check of how they stand with other people, because they can't handle the uncertainty of social perceptions and tend to underestimate their likability.
5. Dismissing threats
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To an insecure person, even differing opinions and other people's boundaries can feel like a personal threat. They're socialized into taking everything personally because they're made to feel like they're unworthy and inadequate for one reason or another. (Hint: it's usually some form of childhood trauma.)
By dismissing these threats with invalidation and avoidance, insecure people are coping, but in wildly unhealthy ways. Even with their loved ones' success, they seem to believe that dismissing their accomplishments inflates their own superiority in some way.
6. Codependency
Do you have a parent who gets angry when you leave or create space? What about a friend who takes your "no" to social plans as a personal attack, every single time? These people are perfect pictures of insecurity. They need your presence to make them feel safe and wanted.
They need other people to regulate their emotions because they can't do it for themselves. They're so uncomfortable in their own body and emotionally disconnected from their inner self that they need other people to feel sane. They try to control others through codependency and closeness because they can't control themselves.
7. Avoiding conflict
Conflict is rarely comfortable for anyone, but that's what makes it so important. The more unstable we're willing to feel and the more vulnerable we can be in conversations, the better our emotional regulation skills and self-worth become. When we can tolerate discomfort, we can grow as humans.
Insecure people avoid conflict because they don't have the inner foundation or emotional intelligence to handle discomfort in any capacity. Their insecure attachment styles and avoidant behaviors all tie back to this internal fear.
8. Being a victim
Even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment, insecure people are rarely out to get someone. Yes, their behaviors, like avoiding accountability and playing the victim, can hurt others, but that doesn't usually mean they're malicious. They stem from immaturity and negative self-feelings, not always a need to harm others.
However, that doesn't make them any less toxic. That also doesn't mean these people need to have excuses made for them.
For example, they care too much about seeking pity from others, which usually means they shift blame and avoid apologizing when they're called out. They invalidate other people's hurt and make them feel responsible for suffering, even when it's really and clearly their fault.
9. Keeping up a facade
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So many people figure out they're insecure deep down because they struggle to communicate. They've spent their whole lives being told or socialized into a belief that who they truly are is not good enough. So, they invest a ton of energy into trying to cover it up.
They create a facade. They follow trends. They do whatever it takes to be liked, usually at their own expense. You can immediately spot someone's insecurity by this misleading persona because their actions seem to fall short of their promises. They don't know who they are, and the things they share about themselves feel like a regurgitation of everyone else. They lack individuality.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
