If Someone Has These 8 Unfortunate Traits, They Pretty Much Have Zero Emotional Intelligence
Fernando Calmon | ShutterstockThere are a lot of people out there who have little to no emotional intelligence, meaning they can't put themselves in another person's shoes and understand how they feel or why they might be struggling. They usually share some unfortunate traits that make them easy to identify.
People who are emotionally intelligent, on the other hand, are able to understand their own feelings and others’ in a way that some people just can’t. It’s incredibly useful, but not necessarily common. They can't exactly grasp how another person can seem void of compassion, and it can be frustrating and off-putting.
People who lack emotional intelligence have these unfortunate traits:
1. They never have hard conversations
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Even people with a lot of emotional intelligence probably aren’t going to enjoy talking about tough things that make them uncomfortable. The difference is that they’re willing to push through that discomfort and still have the conversation when they know it needs to happen.
People who don’t have any emotional intelligence are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They don’t know how to approach the conversation delicately, so they always feel like they get hurt, as does the other person.
This is one of those situations where it feels so much easier to just not do something, but putting it off causes even more awkwardness in the long run. It’s better to just deal with it right away.
2. They blame others for everything
We all know at least one person who makes it a habit to blame everyone else for the problems they cause. It’s easy to assume they do it because they’re immature, or even because they want to be annoying, but there’s actually something deeper going on.
These people project their own faults onto others so they don’t have to face the negative emotions they cause. It’s a defense mechanism people turn to when they don’t know how to work through their own feelings, which is basically the definition of low emotional intelligence. They’re trying to force someone else to feel pain so they don’t have to.
3. They think emotions are a sign of weakness
It would be nice to live in a world where everyone can accept each other’s feelings, but we’re definitely not there yet. As behavioral scientist Liz Wilson, PhD, said, “There is a misconception that the feeling of emotions is about ‘crying’ or a ‘feminine’ display of behavior.”
Those who are lucky enough to have a high level of emotional intelligence can see through this myth our culture has created, but others can’t. They think that showing emotions is a bad thing and that they should do anything they can to suppress them. Ironically, this makes them feel even more because it’s deeply hurtful.
4. They don’t process what they’re feeling
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Some people who aren’t very gifted with emotional intelligence think that pretending their feelings don’t exist actually makes them go away. Instead, it just puts them on the back burner for a little while until they come back up even stronger than before.
No one wants to do something that’s uncomfortable or painful, so it’s natural to run from emotions that feel that way. That makes it harder to regulate them, though, which is why others have learned they have to endure temporary discomfort so they feel better later on.
5. They don’t think before they react
Honestly, sometimes it feels nice to snap at someone with a clever comeback. It’s people with no emotional intelligence who choose to get immediate revenge with their words, though. It’s almost impossible not to say something you’ll regret later when you do that.
Someone who can regulate their emotions doesn’t actually avoid feeling hurt by others’ words and actions. They just know how to control their anger instead of letting it control them. These are the people who are committed to stepping back and taking a deep breath before they respond so they don’t make the situation even worse.
6. They get defensive really easily
Usually, the people who get the most defensive are the ones who don’t want to think about their own actions. It’s like they put up a wall so they don’t have to look inward.
Anyone who is emotionally intelligent will be comfortable with the process of self-reflection. Instead of thinking anything that’s remotely critical is a personal attack, they can recognize that what the other person is saying might be valid or even helpful.
These people aren’t afraid of putting in the work needed to become better. When someone brings up a legitimate concern, they listen and think about it carefully before dismissing it as something that’s meant to be hurtful.
7. They avoid taking responsibility
This will be hard for people with low emotional intelligence to wrap their heads around, but anyone who is willing to hold themselves accountable for their own actions will actually feel a boost of empowerment because they’re acknowledging the agency they have.
Unfortunately, people who don’t have this skill will probably never experience this. They equate taking responsibility with feeling bad about themselves, and they won’t work through their emotions enough to realize that’s not actually what’s going on. This will make it much harder for them to maintain relationships as well.
8. They don’t acknowledge other people’s emotions
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Having emotional intelligence is about more than just someone’s own feelings. It affects how they interpret and respond to other people’s emotions as well, which is a big deal for the people they’re close to.
Validating someone’s emotions really just means accepting that they exist. It’s key for healthy relationships, but it isn’t always as simple as it sounds. People who struggle with this tend to forget that acknowledging how someone feels isn’t the same as agreeing with them. That keeps them from understanding where they’re coming from.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
