11 Childhood Experiences That Turned Sweet Kids Into Highly Stressed Perfectionist Adults
Bricolage | ShutterstockThere are all kinds of childhood experiences that turn good people into stressed-out adults. Many of us have experienced them first-hand, and others can't help but notice these tendencies in partners and friends.
The childhood experiences that turned sweet kids into highly stressed, overly perfectionist adults:
1. Never feeling good enough
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Many parents teach their kids to thrive through mistakes and learning opportunities by being a "good enough" parent. However, their counterparts sabotage their kids' development, not only trying to be perfect themselves, but also holding their kids to unrealistic expectations.
These were the kids who were excited to share that they got an A on a test, only to be asked why they didn't get extra credit. They were the kids who went above and beyond playing a sport, only to be critiqued in the car on the way home. They always felt like no matter how hard they worked or how much heart they put into their actions, they were less than what their parents wanted.
As adults, they're textbook perfectionists. They not only believe that their worth is solely defined by outcomes and productivity, but they also consistently avoid celebrating their own accomplishments, because they only feel relief when they make it to the end of a project or meet a goal.
2. Feeling neglected
Childhood neglect with parents and at home is often associated with all kinds of mental health consequences later in life. On top of the anxiety and depressive symptoms, some adult children end up hyper-independent, forced into a mentality where they can only rely on themselves.
They refuse to ask for help and end up placing way too much pressure on themselves to do it all. They've grown up adopting beliefs about themselves while simultaneously being neglected as kids, so their assumptions about the world and other people are now inherently skewed.
3. Having transactional parents
Many kids who grow up in households with transactional parents who always keep score end up internalizing and externalizing problems in unhealthy ways, according to a 2016 study. From overworking themselves to seeking attention from others, adult children who have been taught their worth is placed in doing and acting, rather than being, are always coping in toxic ways.
They felt like they had to prove themselves worthy of the things that were unconditional for other kids and their parents, whether it was love or respect.
4. Being a 'third' parent
Whether it was the experience of being an eldest sibling or being parentified from a very young age, adult children who grew up with way too much responsibility early in life are likely more stressed as adults. Not only were they taught to provide for and care for themselves, but they had no choice but to be self-reliant, usually out of survival.
Now, their nervous systems are built around this obligation. Whether it's formed into hyper-independence or people-pleasing behaviors that cause burnout, they missed out on their chance to experience a true, innocent childhood and grow into their own unique identity.
5. Instability at home
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Whether it was a parental separation or existing around chaos all the time, many children who experience a ton of instability at home end up developing more anxiety and depression.
Later in life, they usually follow similar patterns of instability in their careers and relationships, but some even end up swinging to the other end of things. They became the force of control and stability that they didn't have growing up, and protect it with every inch of mental capacity and control they have in their power.
6. Being the 'good' sibling
Many of the best kids were praised for being good and sweet. They were told that, rather than being worthy of love as they were, they were more lovable and likable when they handled things on their own. Their independence and maturity, like not needing anything from their parents or causing a scene, made them the "good" kids at home.
As kids, the praise felt good, as our brains are wired to perceive it to be. However, eventually, these kids also learned that being perfect and doing everything on their own was what made them lovable in other people's eyes, which causes all kinds of toxic consequences in adulthood.
7. Being compared to everyone else constantly
Comparing kids to other people and making them feel less than for who they are seriously affects their confidence. While this behavior can occasionally be empowering in the face of good role models and optimism, according to a Frontiers in Psychology study, most of the time, it makes kids feel inadequate.
As adults, these children may continue to set these unrealistic expectations for themselves. With access to highlight reels on social media and a tendency to already hold themselves to the standards of others, they turn into overly stressed, perfectionist adults. They can't be themselves and live peacefully without trying to conform to the expectations and unattainable standards of everyone else.
8. Being judged for their appearance
Whether it was the clothing they chose to wear or their gender expression, even the sweetest kids' light can be dimmed by a judgmental parent. Of course, many children tend to adopt self-conscious behaviors on their own, but parental influence only makes it harder to manage.
Now, on top of everything else an aging child has to manage, from values to goals and growing into themselves, they now have to be conscious of how they look and are being perceived by others. In adulthood, without self-esteem work and personal growth, that internal insecurity only becomes more concrete and consequential.
9. Being exposed to conflict
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While it's often important for young kids to watch their parents argue and, most importantly, resolve conflict at home, being subjected to constant hostility can be seriously harmful for development. It shapes their world and offers them a misleading, toxic mentality to navigate life through.
Of course, they develop more stressful, perfectionist behaviors because their nervous system is living on edge. They expect people to constantly be angry or for conflict to turn into something more harmful, because that's the only behavior they were shown as kids.
10. Not having spaces to express emotions
From being told their emotions were wrong to being gaslighted into hiding them completely, kids who didn't have healthy spaces to be vulnerable never grow into their emotional intelligence. They become shielded, guarded from intimacy and, most consequently, completely uncertain when it comes to collaboration and commitment.
Instead of offering a chance to learn how to express emotions and develop self-regulation skills, these parents turned their deeply feeling kids into uncertain, stressed-out adults.
11. Being pressured to people-please
For kids who had unstable parents or who felt responsible for other people's happiness and peace, their adulthood is plagued by people-pleasing behaviors. They've grown up in a space that told them their worth was formed by what they did for others and how comfortable everyone else felt in their presence, rather than going inward to figure out what they needed themselves.
At their own expense, they burn themselves out trying to show up perfectly for others. Even when it's impossible amid chronic stress and exhaustion, they shame themselves into unrealistic, one-sided relationships all the time.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
