Siblings Who Live Far Away Often See 7 Family Problems More Clearly Than Those Who Stay Close
Riccardo Agostinelli | UnsplashA good sibling relationship is built on a certain level of camaraderie, but also mutual respect and support. Even if siblings don't grow up close, when they become adults and have matured, it leaves room for a healthier relationship.
Unfortunately, when one sibling moves far away and the other stays close to home for their parents, the dynamics shift. Family problems may not seem so obvious to the close-by sibling, whereas the one who lives independently can see the cracks that have formed.
When people stay close to home, they don't see these family problems clearly like their siblings who live far away do
1. Over-controlling parents
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People sometimes don't realize how controlling their parents are until they move away as adults and can think back on how they were raised. Controlling parents can come in many forms, making it harder to recognize it when you're a child. But it's also difficult if you're still living with your parents.
One sibling may live at home and be fully accustomed to the way their parents act, not knowing anything different. But the other sibling has left those walls and grown, recognizing patterns from the past.
In adulthood, not only do they realize that their parents are not perfect, but they may be toxic. It makes it difficult to discuss when they return home, and their siblings just can't see the problem.
2. Narcissistic family members
As a child, the people within your family are your role models, like the fun uncle or doting grandmother. But when you move away from home, those figures can turn into strangers. You start to learn details and family lore that puts them in a new, unfavorable light.
Once you're an adult who has moved away and met plenty of other people, you get a taste of what is normal and what is toxic. Your sibling may have stayed in your hometown, and has become so accustomed to these family members' behaviors, they just see it as normal.
These narcissistic family members lack empathy and spread their negativity without a care in their world. Unfortunately, it's a hard problem to address, as nobody wants to overstep.
3. An unbalanced power dynamic
Power imbalance within families can create a tense environment that's hard to come home to. Siblings who live far away have had a chance to step away from this atmosphere, while those who stayed behind have adopted it into their daily lives.
They find themselves constantly following the rules of their parents but having no autonomy of their own. They agree even when they see things differently, all to avoid an argument.
Power dynamics in a family are to be expected, especially when there are so many strong personalities under one roof. But when one person is constantly in control, it's overwhelming and can create an emotional barrier between members.
4. Every outing ends up being high-conflict
For siblings who haven't lived at home in some time, their first experience back with their parents was something they looked forward to. They counted down the days until they were home again, surrounded by people they love.
But over time, they notice a pattern that their siblings close to home don't. There's always a big fight among family members. They've thought they may be the common denominator, and that these arguments are being sparked because of their return. But this toxic dynamic has always existed and they're just now seeing it.
According to a study conducted by the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, high-conflict families tend to argue about communication and household chores, as well as money management. So, tensions may be high for a number of reasons, but one thing is for certain: it's not healthy to let it go unnoticed.
5. Favoritism
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Maybe siblings grew up in a home where they were all treated equal by their parents. Unfortunately, the opposite can be true as well, where siblings were often compared to one another, and there were clear favorites with their parents. This behavior creates jealousy among siblings from an early age.
People who move far away from home may notice the favoritism as children, but are especially aware of it as adults. Even if they try to bring it up, their sibling who lives close to home may not realize how toxic this was growing up.
Maybe even as adults, one sibling is financially supported by their parents while the other struggles to make ends meet. Or, one sibling gets frequent visits from their parents, despite the other one living closer.
Parents who don't give their children equal treatment, or at least equal opportunities and love, create resentful adults. People who pick up on this are likely to not return to visit their parents.
6. Boundary problems
When parents don't instill in their child the importance of boundaries, it allows anyone to violate their wants and needs. Maybe they receive late-night phone calls or surprise visits without any warning.
Siblings who have left home notice that their parents are guilty of doing this, while one who lives at home might be used to their parents not giving them any privacy or making them do things they don't enjoy. These parents feel entitled to know everything about their kids' lives, but it impedes their independence.
Despite their differences, siblings should come to an understanding if their parents are doing this. Communicating directly and setting clear intentions are the best way to do this. It may be extremely difficult, but opening up these conversations creates a better parent-child relationship.
7. Childhood trauma
It's hard to admit that your childhood impacted you negatively, even when you notice patterns. Creating a physical barrier between you and your family may feel like the best way to heal, even if it means moving far away despite your sibling staying at home.
As an adult, people who have experienced childhood trauma of some sort may find themselves lashing out at their own partner or children. They likely have repressed bad memories from their youth, and aren't sure why it's all resurfacing.
While a sibling who lives at home may brush it all under the rug, someone who has had the chance to get space from their family may have done some deep thinking. They can see the problem clearly for what it is, even if their brother or sister can't.
Gabrielle Mattes is a writer working towards a Creative Writing degree. Her focus is lifestyle, wellness, human interest, and relationships.
