If You’re Seriously Struggling As An Adult, Your Parents Might Be To Blame If They Did These 9 Things
Lesia Kapinosova / ShutterstockParents can’t get everything right. Raising children is complicated, and even the most loving moms and dads make mistakes along the way. At the same time, psychologists have long recognized that childhood experiences leave lasting effects that shape the way people view themselves, handle relationships, respond to stress, and navigate the complexities of adulthood years later.
That doesn't mean adults are destined to repeat the patterns they grew up with or that every struggle can be traced back to childhood. Healing and personal growth are always possible. Still, when the same unhealthy behaviors happen repeatedly during a child's formative years, they can quietly become the foundation for challenges that persist well into adulthood.
Your parents may actually be the ones to blame if you're struggling with these specific things as an adult
1. They held basic necessities over your head
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If you were ever guilt-tripped into doing something with phrases like “I put food on the table” or “After everything I’ve done for you?,” there’s a chance you struggle to ask for help today. You were taught from a young age that you should accept the bare minimum from people in your life, and that asking for what you needed was somehow a sign that you were ungrateful.
Parents should put a roof over your head and food on the table, and they should also be willing to meet your unique needs and make space for your emotions. As a child, you shouldn’t feel guilty for expressing how you feel or asking for what you need. That’s what your family is for.
So, if you find yourself struggling in silence today, your parents might be to blame for this guilt-ridden mentality that you have to do it all alone.
2. They called you the easy child
Many kids who were labeled easy at home for not asking for anything and not causing trouble become chronic people-pleasers as adults. Even if it wasn’t necessarily malicious, parents who praise their kids for not needing anything or expressing themselves teach them that their worth comes from suppression and ignoring their own needs.
As an adult, these childhood wounds often manifest as overworking yourself at the office to prove your worth to your boss or shutting out your personal needs to be constantly available to a partner. You’re likely struggling because you don’t feel worthy of love and respect unless you’re burning yourself out to prove your value.
3. Your parents needed constant emotional reassurance
If you were expected to grow up and mature way earlier than other kids because you had an immature parent at home, they might be to blame for your hypervigilance and anxiety today.
As a kid, you walked on eggshells, not sure if your parents would turn on you or blame you for their emotional turmoil. Despite not having any kind of emotional intelligence or accountability themselves, they expected you to solve every problem and cater to their needs. You felt like their parent, instead of the other way around, and it’s possible you’re struggling today because of it.
4. They criticized you constantly
Having a critical parent growing up changes how a child responds to emotion and expresses their own. In relationships later in life, their self-worth is altered by childhood criticism, and they feel uncomfortable being themselves or expressing vulnerability of any kind.
Even if they made you feel like you were a bad kid and deserved their constant judgment, this kind of criticism early in life sets you up to fail. You were a kid, learning and growing into yourself, and you deserved to have a safe space at home to do that.
In adulthood, you might be chasing approval from others, resorting to toxic relationships because of low self-worth, or even chasing perfection at work to prove that you’re not letting anyone down.
5. They fought constantly
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While some parents believe that conflict should never happen in front of their kids, the truth is that it’s sometimes essential for them to witness it. However, parents who argue or fight in front of their kids should always make an effort to do it in healthy ways and, most importantly, resolve the conflict when their kids are around.
Kids learn how to communicate as adults and resolve conflict later in life from their parents, and if they only ever scream at and insult one another, those behaviors can become generational issues. So, if you find it hard to express your needs and resolve conflicts effectively and calmly, it might be because of the anxiety these childhood experiences led you to internalize.
6. They dismissed your feelings
The most emotionally intelligent adults often grew up in homes where their emotions were not only heard but also validated and accepted. When they had big, complex feelings, their parents didn’t dismiss them or criticize them for showing emotions. They created a safe space to talk through it and acknowledge them.
So, if all you ever heard as a kid was “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “stop being a baby,” there’s a chance your emotional struggles today stem from those moments. Your emotions feel inherently bad and scary because you weren’t equipped with the tools to regulate them or act on them in healthy ways.
7. They compared you to your siblings
If you were always being held to a higher, sometimes impossible standard by your parents, you’re probably struggling in adulthood at the hands of perfectionism. No matter what you do or how well you do it, you’re never fully satisfied because your parents never accepted you as you were.
Especially if your siblings became competition at home, there was little warmth in the family bonds. There was only bitterness and fear.
Of course, even in adulthood, many sibling relationships stay toxic and fragmented because of comparisons growing up. Even though it was at the hands of their parents, there’s often still resentment and frustration there that can leave adult children feeling lonely and disconnected from loved ones.
8. They only praised your achievements
Instead of being validated for putting in a good effort or supported on the journey toward a goal that didn’t work out, parents of kids who become anxious, burnt-out adults focus only on achievements. In doing so, they teach their kids that their worth is inherently tied to their success and accomplishments, instilling a fear of failure that can feel insurmountable.
Not only do these kids struggle to evolve and grow from mistakes because they’re afraid to make them, but they also put themselves in a position to overwork themselves for life in search of validation.
9. They invaded your privacy
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Parents do sometimes have to step in to make sure their children are safe, whether that means going through their child’s phone to make sure they aren't being bullied or checking in on them when they aren't home on time. However, if your parents' overstepping of your boundaries was a constant pattern in childhood, that may play into struggles with anxiety or hyper-independence today.
Maybe they read your private journal or listened to your conversations. They might’ve gone behind your back to talk to teachers or friends. Regardless of the action, the difficulty you have with trust and commitment in adulthood can stem from this lack of respect in childhood.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
