People Who Can't Agree To Disagree Usually Share 7 Especially Frustrating Traits
J Walters | ShutterstockSociety has become more divided than ever before, and people are willing to go to some pretty great lengths to defend their views. There’s not a lot of room left for agreeing to disagree, which almost feels like an old-fashioned idea at this point.
Being able to disagree in a respectful way is one of the best ways to discover the truth and learn more in the process. It’s not always easy to accept beliefs that are different from your own, though. Some people get so hung up on thinking their way is the only way that they lose the ability to welcome opposing views, and they usually exhibit these difficult traits as they do so.
These frustrating traits are common among people who can’t agree to disagree:
1. They feel threatened by different opinions
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Encountering people who have different values and beliefs is to be expected, but some people handle it better than others. For some, realizing that someone disagrees with them feels like a threat or attack, and they become overly defensive of themselves and their views.
Experts believe that the concept of echo chambers, which refers to being surrounded by people who share your opinion on social media, could explain why people feel threatened in this way. Because they constantly see their own beliefs reinforced, they become more certain than ever that they’re right and everyone else is wrong.
In a lot of cases, this allows people’s opinions to become way too embedded in their identity, making them feel like people who disagree are dangerous.
2. They take everything personally
We’ve all met somebody who turns everything into a personal issue, even if it has nothing to do with them. This happens a lot with beliefs because, as counselor Elliot D. Cohen, PhD, explained, we tend to “conclude that our own personal beliefs and values are objective truths and apply not only to ourselves but to others and to the external world.”
When someone can’t differentiate between hard facts and their own opinions, it makes sense that they would think another person disagreeing with them was the same as them making some kind of unfair judgment about them. Unfortunately, this makes it almost impossible to hear others out and understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
3. They need external validation
Looking to others for validation has gotten a bad reputation, but it’s not actually the worst thing you can do. Stanford psychology professor Caroline Fleck argued that receiving validation from loved ones brings you closer together because it’s a way for them to show their understanding and love.
Some people look for this in other people because they can’t give it to themselves, which is when it becomes toxic. Those who can’t just let disagreements be want to hear other people affirm them and their beliefs on a negative level, so they feel justified. Anything else feels hurtful to them.
4. They aren’t very humble
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There’s not really any situation where it feels nice to be told you’re wrong, but some people are able to handle it better than others. In psychology, the ability to admit when you’re wrong and accept the truth is known as intellectual humility. People who excel at this can see other perspectives and build stronger relationships as a result.
Not being able to admit when you’re wrong is basically the opposite of humility. It makes someone look entitled and arrogant because they believe their opinion is infallible. That’s not the path to take if you want to accept that disagreements are inevitable.
5. They always have to be right
It’s not possible to always be right when no one is perfect or all-knowing, but some people still struggle to accept that. Winning every argument feels imperative for them, and they just can’t recognize when they’re fighting a losing battle.
These folks often think very highly of themselves, and they want others to do the same, so they present something that is nothing more than an opinion as a fact. Not only does this inflate their ego and make it seem like other people’s thoughts don’t matter, but it can also lead to a dangerous spread of misinformation.
6. They feel like they have to be loyal to a certain group
Whether it’s a particular political party, a social movement, or even their family, many people think they owe loyalty to a group. Being loyal is a good thing, but choosing to do so blindly is not. Anyone can make a mistake, and it’s best to be prepared for that instead of insisting on agreeing with all the messaging from a group because it’s just what you always do.
It’s easy to take loyalty to an extreme level that would cause you to contribute to, or at least ignore, unethical behavior. No one should put all of their trust in a party or ideology, and they shouldn’t attack those who don’t do the same.
7. They aren’t interested in listening
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Listening is an important skill, but few people seem to have developed it. When someone talks to another person they know they disagree with, they might fall into the trap of only taking in what they say to argue, instead of really trying to understand their perspective.
Hearing what someone is saying and actually listening are not the same thing because one happens automatically while the other takes effort. Simply being more present for each other by listening would go a long way.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
